She
must be beautiful, … not necessarily on the outside. She must be able to find
the beauty in simple things. She must be able to find humor in the absurd. She
must have a desire to care for me, and to let me care for her. She must know
what forever means. She would be able to argue with me passionately and still
respect my opinion. She must be kind. She must be honest and must be able to
trust. She must want to look into my eyes at the end of our days and say 'We
have done good things.'
A …“good wife” is someone who respects “all” people whether they
are a Senator or a waiter in a restaurant. I also believe a “good wife” is
someone who understands the value of a family and therefore family at all costs
must come first when decisions are made. A good wife is someone who maintains
peace and order within the household, looks after the bills, education of the
kids, the nutrition and social entertainment of the family. Also a “good wife”
is someone who is willing to speak out when/if there is something wrong (for
example if the husband is doing something wrong). A good wife is also someone
who accepts aging and so when she is 45 I don’t expect her to need to purchase
a new hot red convertible and pretend she is a teenager. A “good wife” is also
someone who doesn’t put pressure on herself, husband or the kids if the
situation does not call for it (for example tells me to take out $2000 a month
mortgage when I know we’d be better off with $1000 monthly mortgage, or tells
the kids they must get all straight “A’s” in order to go to Disney World. A
“good wife” is someone who loves/likes to work things in-house before telling
the Sis, the momma, the “friend” the grandma and whoever else. That’s my idea of a “good wife.”
When
men FIND a good wife, they are devoted.
Consider
the most grand monument of unparalleled beauty built in the history of human
civilization: the Taj Mahal, one
of the seven wonders of the world, and the most memorable symbol of love in the
world was built in honor of his third wife, Mumtaz Mahal. The most beautiful building in the
universe took Shahjahan 22 years and most of his royal treasury to build. She
was married at the age of 14 years old, she bore him 14 children, and she
remained an inseparable companion of her husband till her death. She died while accompanying her
husband in Behrampur in a campaign to crush a rebellion, after giving birth to
their 14th child. Her death so crushed the emperor that all his hair and beard
were said to have grown snow white in a few months. For
the love and affection she showed to her husband, Mumtaz Mahal received highest
honor of the land - the royal seal.
According to the legends, stories of her virtue spread all over the
Mughal Empire.
The
Taj has a life of its own that leaps out of marble, provided you understand
that it is a monument of love: it
actually changes colors to depict the different moods of women.
Mumtaz
was quite a woman to bear FOURTEEN kids, truck around with her husband
everywhere – even accompanying him to “crush a rebellion,” and STILL be such an
awesome companion and partner her husband created a WONDER OF THE WORLD for
her!!! Doesn’t that INSPIRE YOU
that YOU can be wonderful to YOUR husband too – I want my husband to feel that
way towards me!!!
Listen to these notes written by
men to their wives:
“The Star in the East was a
miracle as was the Virgin Birth. I
have no trouble believing in those miracles because a miracle happened to me
and it’s still happening. Into my
life came one tiny dear and a light shone round about. The light still shines and will as long
as I have you. Please be very
careful when you cross the street.
Don’t climb on any ladders.
Wear your rubbers when it rains.
I love my light and don’t want to be ever in the dark again. I love you – Merry Christmas – Your
ranch hand.”
“I guess when I was young I
thought marriage might be this way for a while: I never knew it could go on and on, getting better and
better year after year.”
“This is really just an ‘in
between’ day. It is a day on which
I love you 365 days more than I did a year ago, and 365 less than I will a year
from now. But I wonder how I lived
at all for all the 365’s before I met you. All my love, Your Husband.”
What does a wife do to elicit
these responses from her husband?
Let’s look at what EVERY woman who desires the heart of her husband
needs to know.
What does he see in YOU? Goal: Virtuous Wife
A virtuous woman contributes to
something outside herself and her circle of family and friends. I think it is important for women to be
involved in something that contributes to building our society in some
way. Whether it’s
volunteering at a hospital, or at a cancer support group or nursing home,
whether it’s being in charge of the Brownie troop or some other non-profit
organization, it is important that we take the time to give back something to
the society of which we are a part.
When you take the time to be involved in helping others less fortunate
than yourself, many things come about as a result:
*Your kids see that it is
important to take time for others, even while you’re still trying to “get it
together” yourself.
*Your family is aware of those
less fortunate and less apt to complain about petty things.
*Your family will have an enhanced
appreciation of the “gift” of the “present.”
A
virtuous woman exhibits VIRTUE. WHAT are some virtues?: prudence, temperance,
courage, justice; love, hope, faith, humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity,
patience, liberality, diligence, faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice. How are these virtues demonstrated in
your daily life? These
virtues usually shine the brightest when tested… Every person has at least one “gift” – one area where they
are strong in. Take your gift and
use it to make your home a better place!
A
virtuous woman can be trusted. Can your husband trust you? Can he trust that you will do him good and not evil all the
days of your life? That is the
reference to the “virtuous woman” in Proverbs 31. It says there that the virtuous woman’s husband safely trusts in her, so that he needs
nothing.
He needs NOTHING! This woman can be COUNTED ON!
A virtuous woman is a hard worker; she is not lazy! She takes care of herself. She learns about things she needs to
know about: mending, cooking,
baking, and homemaking, but also computers, business deals, nutrition, and
other things that are of value to her home. She gets up early and often stays up late. The virtuous woman, with her virtues,
has really got it together! And
when she doesn’t she’s working
towards getting it together!
A virtuous woman is a woman her
husband can be proud of. When your
husband talks about you to others, or others talk to him about you, what are
they saying about you? Is your
husband proud to tell his friends and associates about the things you are doing
and the things you are involved in?
Lightening the load Goal: Joyful Wife
A joyful wife takes responsibility
for how she looks at things. My
sister has a sign hanging in front of the mirror in her bathroom saying, You are looking at the person responsible
for your happiness. We’re not talking about the kind of “happy” fleeting feeling
a child has with a new toy – a “happy” feeling that quickly fades. We are talking about an overriding sense
of JOY from being the person you were created to be: a good person,
doing what you were created to do:
good things, thinking what you
were made to think: good things, and talking good.
Not retaliating and
being a responder to others’ problems
or actions, but being response-able for your actions: actions that don’t change because you don’t change.
A joyful wife looks at the world
with character. You will tend to
look at your world from the glasses you choose to wear. I had a pair of pink colored glasses on
my counter for quite some time to teach my kids to look at their world “through
rose-colored glasses” on purpose.
And what glasses do you look at your world through? Usually the glasses you are looking at
the world through are colored with the STRONGEST character trait you have.
For example, if you are loyal and
trustworthy, you will look at other people that way. If you have a negative, complaining spirit, when you leave a
party, you will be looking at the party negatively. If you have a grateful spirit, like the women I helped when
I volunteered at Gilda’s Club, you will be looking at every day to find things
to be grateful for.
That explains why several people
can live in the same household, and later, when talking about it, they will all
see it through the “glasses” they have on.
A joyful wife is looking for the
good in life. To illustrate this
fact, I brought a beautiful bunch of irises to my daughter’s classroom. I called half the class up to find the good
things about the irises, and they began to detail them. I called the other half of the class up
to find the things that were wrong with the irises, and that half began to
detail all the wrong things (bent stem wilted petal, etc.) Did the irises change? No, but each half of the class found
what they were looking for.
What are YOU looking for when you
get going with your day? You will
see people, circumstances and situations from the glasses you put on each
morning. That is why I find it is
of utmost importance for me, and for my teens now, to begin each day by reading
the Bible and concentrating on good things.
Did you ever walk along and not
notice the little glittery pieces in certain parts of sidewalks? If you look carefully, and on purpose,
you can spot little “diamonds in the dust.” But if you are rushing along, you will not see the little
glittery pieces sprayed amongst the gray.
Stop to call attention to the
leaves swirling in circles; to snow covered evergreens, to a flock of geese
overhead. Teach your children to
find the best in each day! Make it a point to appreciate the good parts of each
day, and of each person in your life. Again, it needs to be a concentrated
effort! Put those
rose-colored glasses on! Retrain
your vision!
Sowing into the harvest Goal: Wise Wife
A wise woman has goals, works
towards them, and considers the long-term ramifications of her actions as they
relate to those goals. Don’t get
“lost in the minute” without any perspective of how your actions today affect
your long-term goals. I had a
goal: I was determined to “live
happily ever after” with my husband.
At times, I was convinced that I would be “living happily ever after” by
myself in my own imagination. What
is your goal for your marriage? “If you
aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” Write it down:
“I am going to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary with the
person I love the most,” – post it and live your life to accomplish it! THAT’s wisdom!
A wise woman seeks counsel. I have always taught my kids that if
they don’t understand something in school, to seek help before they get so far behind they will never catch up. Bridges are built before storms make
the waters rise. It is wise to
seek counsel from someone who is succeeding at what you want to do (in other
words DON’T seek counsel from a miserable 4x divorced person who is thinking of
leaving her husband!). Go to a
marriage seminar, read a good book, - give some time and focus to making your
marriage awesome before it goes unattended for too long! If you are having problems, seek out
help right away!
A wise woman realizes that every
little action and every little word is contributing to the future success or
demises of her marriage. She LIVES
out the things she knows to do without excuses. It’s like each day you are given a packet of seeds to sow,
and as you go through your day you are throwing your seeds everywhere in your
field. You can be sure that those
seeds will produce something in your future! The little seeds that seem so inconsequential are capable of
producing exponentially an incredible harvest. Consider a seed for a tomato plant: not only does it produce the tomato
plant, but THEN each tomato produces HUNDREDS of more seeds, so the capacity
for each seed you sow should NOT be underestimated!!! Considering the things in your life that you have control
over, usually the life you are living today is as a result of the seeds you
have sown in your yesterdays.
A HomeBUILDER with your words! Goal: Encouraging Wife
An encouraging woman is mature and
knows the power of her words. If I
ask you to think of a time when someone said something cruel that hurt your
feelings, you could probably recount several instances going back to your
elementary school days! Words are
strong weapons: like a nuclear
bomb, once set off there is no turning back! A wise woman realizes just how powerful her words are
and chooses them carefully. I have
used the example of a volcano to describe the power of words to my
children. Once said, words flow
forth and can destroy things that took YEARS TO BUILD, and will take YEARS TO
REBUILD also! If you are
thinking something that isn’t going to build your home, SHUT UP. Don’t poison your children or your
husband by your cruel thoughtless words.
Get mature! It is
UNBELIEVABLE how quickly foolish women are to speak about the flaws of those
they love. What kind of love
demeans an individual – either in front of them or behind their backs? We need to remember what Thumper’s
mother taught him: If you don’t have anything nice to say,
don’t say anything at all! This
goes with children and teens too.
Would you want THEM recounting your struggles and weaknesses to their
friends? Learn to only speak well
of your husband AND your children:
they WILL LIVE UP TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN THEM!!!
Do whatever it takes to grow up in
this area. For me, it was several
three word phrases that I practiced saying in my mind when I felt the volcano
rising. With these little sayings
running over and over in my mind, I was able to get through many situations
without “blowing it.” Let it go;
lay it down; give it up; forget about it!!!
Stop mid-sentence!!! If you know you are saying something that doesn’t need to be said: stop
talking! This is a powerful
tool we will look at more later in our lessons.
An
encouraging woman knows when to SPEAK UP! Knowing how to SHUT UP isn’t even enough! Is your
husband clinging to the comments of others who compliment him because he
doesn’t sense your admiration of him?
My
husband travels quite a bit. In
order to help him keep up with what was going on in the house, so he didn’t
walk in blind, it was important for me to “speak up” when I often didn’t even
feel like talking! Let your husband know the good things about your children,
the things they are dealing with, and how you plan to help them through, and he
will not jump in and thwart your plans!
An
encouraging woman knows how to communicate. Remember, with guys, “subtle hints don’t work.” If you feel something needs to be said,
SAY IT – don’t expect them to know what’s going through your mind or what
you’re dealing with inside! You
need to learn to communicate with a man:
and men don’t read the signs like women do – so a bit of advice I
received from a few men I interviewed – “subtle hints don’t work!” And remember, timing is everything!
An
encouraging woman chooses her words carefully. Remember what the Bible says: Your words are a SHOWCASE – a CHINA CABINET – a DISPLAY CASE
of what is in your heart!!! Are
you BUILDING your home and those in it, or ripping it apart?
Nancy
Reagan says:
“I
[have] no blueprint for marriage, how to make it happy and long-lasting, but…
mainly you have to be willing to GIVE.
… I would add that saying how much you love each other – to each other
and also in letters that can be read, and reread over the years – is a
wonderful way to stay close. It is
especially important in our busy lives to keep alive what really matters
most: love, caring for each other,
finding concrete ways to say it and show it, every day and in every way you
can. It’s what endures, after all,
and what we retain and hold onto, especially in our hearts.”
What do you EXPECT?! Goal: Contented Wife
A contented wife can say “it is
enough.” One thing I have always
taught my children from the time they were younger is the saying “It is
enough.” Way too many people,
women in particular, feel that if they only had one thing or another, THEN they
could be content. If they only could lose five more pounds, they could be
happy. If they only had a few
hundred more dollars… A bigger
house… A better
husband… A better job… Living in the “if only” will only breed
discontentment for where you are living in the present.
We have seen more marriages ruined
because of foolish women who wanted more and more and more. I heard that there
are two ways to have “more money”:
make more $$ or simply spend less!
Learn to live more simply.
Learn to say “it is ENOUGH!”
A contented woman frees her
husband from being her “everything.” One exercise I have found to be effective
is to make a list of your needs, make sure they are “needs” and not “greeds,”
and then ask God to fill those
needs. Once you are looking for
those needs to be filled, you may be surprised where the answers can come from.
Also, try to take the squeeze off
your husband by getting some of your needs met elsewhere. Need social activities? Meet a few friends during the day and
have your kids play at the park while you socialize. Need to work out or run errands? Have a babysitter come during the day so when your husband
comes home you can have a wonderful family life. NO ONE wants to be 100% responsible for another
person’s sense of well-being. Once
you realize that, you and your husband will be able to remain in love, and you
will be grateful for what he does for you, your house and your family.
The best benefit of this exercise
is that you set your husband free
from being the “prisoner” of your
expectations. Say, for example,
you expect your husband to give you a
“break” when he comes home from work.
One day it could be that your husband comes home from work and is able
to meet that expectation. However,
since it was what you expected you
are not grateful; he only met the expectation. Then, one day your husband has an extraordinarily rough day
at work and needs a break himself.
He comes in the door, exhausted, with the intent of staring blankly at
Monday night football. He does manage to clear the table, but then
sits down to watch tv. Instead of
being grateful he cleared the table, you are upset because you expected him to
do so much more. Since he did less
than what you expected, you are not only ungrateful for any of his efforts, but
you are furious at how little he did when you expected so much. One of the best bonuses is that
your expectations will be put on God, Who is much better equipped to supply
your list of needs than one mere husband is. We need to set our husbands free from being the one totally
responsible for filling our needs.
No one person can provide all the needs any one complex woman has!
A contented woman is grateful for what she has. I learned many years ago to
expect NOTHING in order to become grateful for anything my husband does to
contribute. Instead of being angry
and agitated that he came home at 11 p.m. because his plane was delayed, I was
happy to see him and grateful he came home at all! If you learn to expect nothing, you will become a more grateful
person. This is simplistic, and I
know there are some situations where there are abuses that may need to be
addressed, but all in all this is one of the principles that made my marriage
and even my other relationships better.
Gratefulness is a beautiful attitude that you can decide to have. I was as grateful in my little trailer
when we first got married, fixing it up like a little dollhouse, as I am in my
big castle home now. A grateful
person is a person everyone wants to be around because she appreciates
everything.
A contented woman is “reasonable”
and “realistic.” We counsel many
people who want to spend money on “extras” when the family budget can’t support
the expenditures. Make sure your
desires, whether for time, money, or expenditures, are in keeping with reality
and are reasonable in what is required. Don’t expect a quiet introverted guy to
be the life of the party; don’t expect a sports fanatic to miss sports games;
don’t expect a guy who has a physically demanding job to come home raring to
go. Not “reasonable” and not
“realistic.”
Has he been loved enough? Goal: Loving Wife
A loving wife thinks the best of
her husband. She honors and
respects her husband for who he IS; and doesn’t have an eye to find out or
concentrate on who he ISN’T. Have
you loved your husband enough?
Do you appreciate the things he DOES for you, or are you always harping
on the things he doesn’t do? Nancy Reagan wrote: “In the climate of
today, I think it would be good for all of us to focus on the positive, the
true, the things that really last, on character, humor, commitment, and love,
and on the happy memories of a wonderful man and his life.”
Think of someone in your life who love
you the most: they usually think
the best of you. You WANT to be
around them! Now think of someone
who is very critical of you or you know they just don’t like you. You try to avoid them at all costs! Without even realizing it, if we are
someone who delights in our husband and who thinks the best of them, they will
WANT to be around us more! If we
are critical, they will avoid us!
Same works true with your children!
A loving wife is genuinely
interested in what her husband is interested in. Nancy Reagan said, “I was, I
suppose, a woman of the old school:
If you wanted to make your life with a man, you took on whatever his
interests were and they became your interests too.” Old school or not, the principle rings true.
Dana
Reeve, an actress, was a great example.
She married a famous movie star, and was a movie star herself. She was a constant companion of
Christopher Reeves (superman). After her husband became a quadriplegic, Dana
told Chris: “I still love you no
matter what. You are still you,”
and she became her chief supporter during his 9-1/2 year ordeal and his work
for a cure for spinal cord injuries. After his death, she became the chairwoman
of the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation, which funds research on
paralysis. She never returned to
her own acting, having taken on what was important to her husband.
"I miss
his companionship," said Reeve's widow, who wore his wedding band around
her neck. "I would really like him here. It's very disorienting to be one
person instead of the team we always were."
A loving wife makes a place for
her husband to “come alive.” Have
you delighted in being a part of your husband’s goals and dreams? Have you supported his ideas? I love the song by Stephen Curtis
Chapman, and the words have become a mission for me to my husband:
Cause
what I really want to say
Is
what the sun would say to the sky
For
giving it a place to come alive
It's
like a tale too great to be told
It's
something that my heart can only show
I'm gonna
take my whole life
Just
to let you know
What I
really want to say
Our Aim: Goal:
The UltiMATE Woman!
So what are you aiming for? If your greatest dreams and goals are
separated from your marriage, re-focus!
Work hard to be awesome:
Virtuous, Joyful, Wise, Encouraging, Contented and Loving. Get LOST IN THE WORK of making your
husband look GOOD and be the BEST he can be!
The end result will be what is
said about the woman of virtue:
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband praises her! Give her of the fruit of her hands, and
let her own works praise her in the gates!!!
In the book Fascinating Womanhood, which inspired a lot of this class and which
we may be referring to later, Helen Andelin describes the Ideal Woman From a
Man’s Point of View as possessing both Angelic and Human Qualities.
The Angelic inspires a feeling of
worship. It brings him peace and
happiness. The angelic qualities
are:
Understands men
Inner Happiness
Character
Domestic Goddess
The human fascinates, amuses,
captivates and enchants him. It
arouses a desire to protect and shelter.
The human qualities are:
Femininity
Radiant Happiness
Radiant Health
Childlikeness
‘The angelic and the human qualities
combine to make a woman he can adore and cherish.”
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