Today Is a New Sheet of Paper --

To My Precious Child from Your Heavenly Father:

                  Attached is a new sheet of paper.  It has never been written on.  I have a special assignment for you today:

                  -Please write anything you want on this paper.  This paper is how you want to live today.  

                  -Make sure you start with a blank paper.  That means leaving any unforgiveness, bad attitudes towards others, bitterness or anger out of it.  Give all others a fresh start in your heart, and write with an appreciation for others, knowing that I do the same for you today.

                  -You can write something you learned from other papers in your past that you don't want to forget today, but you cannot re-write your past. 

                  -You can write something you hope for in your future that you want to remember today, but right now, you cannot write your future: you can only write your "today".

                  -Write with reckless abandon – I want you to throw yourself into this day and live 100% in it - don't hold back.  

                  -I want you to write without fear.  Know that I am with you today to walk with you.  Look at the Bible and the accounts of all those who have gone before you.  Trust Me.

                  -I want you to write with Me in mind.  You know the plans I have for you.  You know what I have told you is good for you and what is not.  Just as you don't have to call your parents to make every little decision because you know what they would say, don't think you have to ask Me for every little decision.  You know which relationships I will bless and which I will not; you know what things I will bless and which I won't.

                  -I want you to soak up the gifts I've given you today.  The people, the places, the events.  I want you to be the most amazing culmination of YOU there can be today. Be a wise steward over the things I've put into your life today, and make a difference in the lives of others, at the places you go and at the events you attend today.  Once today is gone, some of the people, places and events may never be there again.  But know that I will never change. 

                  -Write your own paper.  No copying.  No cheating.  No asking someone else to write for you.  No blaming someone else for what is written on your paper.  Only you can write your today and take responsibility for your today.

                  -Write with courage.  It takes courage to face new challenges, climb new mountains, face new difficulties.  Do all you can and leave the results to Me.

                  -This day is only a day quickly passed and gone.  Give ALL. 

                  -And when tomorrow comes, I will give you a new paper to do the assignment again.

                                                                                                            Love, Your Heavenly Father

What is Important to Men?

 First, let’s look at a few excerpts written by men about what THEY expect in a wife:

She must be beautiful, … not necessarily on the outside. She must be able to find the beauty in simple things. She must be able to find humor in the absurd. She must have a desire to care for me, and to let me care for her. She must know what forever means. She would be able to argue with me passionately and still respect my opinion. She must be kind. She must be honest and must be able to trust. She must want to look into my eyes at the end of our days and say 'We have done good things.'

A …“good wife” is someone who respects “all” people whether they are a Senator or a waiter in a restaurant. I also believe a “good wife” is someone who understands the value of a family and therefore family at all costs must come first when decisions are made. A good wife is someone who maintains peace and order within the household, looks after the bills, education of the kids, the nutrition and social entertainment of the family. Also a “good wife” is someone who is willing to speak out when/if there is something wrong (for example if the husband is doing something wrong). A good wife is also someone who accepts aging and so when she is 45 I don’t expect her to need to purchase a new hot red convertible and pretend she is a teenager. A “good wife” is also someone who doesn’t put pressure on herself, husband or the kids if the situation does not call for it (for example tells me to take out $2000 a month mortgage when I know we’d be better off with $1000 monthly mortgage, or tells the kids they must get all straight “A’s” in order to go to Disney World. A “good wife” is someone who loves/likes to work things in-house before telling the Sis, the momma, the “friend” the grandma and whoever else.  That’s my idea of a “good wife.”

When men FIND a good wife, they are devoted. 

Consider the most grand monument of unparalleled beauty built in the history of human civilization:  the Taj Mahal, one of the seven wonders of the world, and the most memorable symbol of love in the world was built in honor of his third wife, Mumtaz Mahal.  The most beautiful building in the universe took Shahjahan 22 years and most of his royal treasury to build. She was married at the age of 14 years old, she bore him 14 children, and she remained an inseparable companion of her husband till her death. She died while accompanying her husband in Behrampur in a campaign to crush a rebellion, after giving birth to their 14th child. Her death so crushed the emperor that all his hair and beard were said to have grown snow white in a few months.  For the love and affection she showed to her husband, Mumtaz Mahal received highest honor of the land - the royal seal.  According to the legends, stories of her virtue spread all over the Mughal Empire. 
 The Taj has a life of its own that leaps out of marble, provided you understand that it is a monument of love:  it actually changes colors to depict the different moods of women. 

Mumtaz was quite a woman to bear FOURTEEN kids, truck around with her husband everywhere – even accompanying him to “crush a rebellion,” and STILL be such an awesome companion and partner her husband created a WONDER OF THE WORLD for her!!!  Doesn’t that INSPIRE YOU that YOU can be wonderful to YOUR husband too – I want my husband to feel that way towards me!!!

Listen to these notes written by men to their wives:

“The Star in the East was a miracle as was the Virgin Birth.  I have no trouble believing in those miracles because a miracle happened to me and it’s still happening.  Into my life came one tiny dear and a light shone round about.  The light still shines and will as long as I have you.  Please be very careful when you cross the street.  Don’t climb on any ladders.  Wear your rubbers when it rains.  I love my light and don’t want to be ever in the dark again.  I love you – Merry Christmas – Your ranch hand.”

“I guess when I was young I thought marriage might be this way for a while:  I never knew it could go on and on, getting better and better year after year.”

“This is really just an ‘in between’ day.  It is a day on which I love you 365 days more than I did a year ago, and 365 less than I will a year from now.  But I wonder how I lived at all for all the 365’s before I met you.  All my love, Your Husband.”

What does a wife do to elicit these responses from her husband?  Let’s look at what EVERY woman who desires the heart of her husband needs to know.

What does he see in YOU?              Goal:  Virtuous Wife

A virtuous woman contributes to something outside herself and her circle of family and friends.  I think it is important for women to be involved in something that contributes to building our society in some way.   Whether it’s volunteering at a hospital, or at a cancer support group or nursing home, whether it’s being in charge of the Brownie troop or some other non-profit organization, it is important that we take the time to give back something to the society of which we are a part.  When you take the time to be involved in helping others less fortunate than yourself, many things come about as a result:

*Your kids see that it is important to take time for others, even while you’re still trying to “get it together” yourself.

*Your family is aware of those less fortunate and less apt to complain about petty things.

*Your family will have an enhanced appreciation of the “gift” of the “present.”

A virtuous woman exhibits VIRTUE. WHAT are some virtues?: prudence, temperance, courage, justice; love, hope, faith, humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, diligence, faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice.  How are these virtues demonstrated in your daily life?   These virtues usually shine the brightest when tested…  Every person has at least one “gift” – one area where they are strong in.  Take your gift and use it to make your home a better place!

A virtuous woman can be trusted.  Can your husband trust you?  Can he trust that you will do him good and not evil all the days of your life?  That is the reference to the “virtuous woman” in Proverbs 31.  It says there that the virtuous woman’s husband safely trusts in her, so that he needs nothing.

He needs NOTHING!  This woman can be COUNTED ON!

A virtuous woman is a hard worker; she is not lazy!  She takes care of herself.  She learns about things she needs to know about:  mending, cooking, baking, and homemaking, but also computers, business deals, nutrition, and other things that are of value to her home.  She gets up early and often stays up late.  The virtuous woman, with her virtues, has really got it together!  And when she doesn’t she’s working towards getting it together!

A virtuous woman is a woman her husband can be proud of.  When your husband talks about you to others, or others talk to him about you, what are they saying about you?  Is your husband proud to tell his friends and associates about the things you are doing and the things you are involved in?  

Lightening the load                                       Goal:  Joyful Wife

A joyful wife takes responsibility for how she looks at things.  My sister has a sign hanging in front of the mirror in her bathroom saying, You are looking at the person responsible for your happiness.  We’re not talking about the kind of “happy” fleeting feeling a child has with a new toy – a “happy” feeling that quickly fades.  We are talking about an overriding sense of JOY from being the person you were created to be:  a good person, doing what you were created to do:  good things, thinking what you were made to think:  good things, and talking good.   Not retaliating and being a responder to others’ problems or actions, but being response-able for your actions:  actions that don’t change because you don’t change.

A joyful wife looks at the world with character.  You will tend to look at your world from the glasses you choose to wear.  I had a pair of pink colored glasses on my counter for quite some time to teach my kids to look at their world “through rose-colored glasses” on purpose.  And what glasses do you look at your world through?  Usually the glasses you are looking at the world through are colored with the STRONGEST character trait you have. 

For example, if you are loyal and trustworthy, you will look at other people that way.  If you have a negative, complaining spirit, when you leave a party, you will be looking at the party negatively.  If you have a grateful spirit, like the women I helped when I volunteered at Gilda’s Club, you will be looking at every day to find things to be grateful for. 

That explains why several people can live in the same household, and later, when talking about it, they will all see it through the “glasses” they have on. 

A joyful wife is looking for the good in life.  To illustrate this fact, I brought a beautiful bunch of irises to my daughter’s classroom.  I called half the class up to find the good things about the irises, and they began to detail them.  I called the other half of the class up to find the things that were wrong with the irises, and that half began to detail all the wrong things (bent stem wilted petal, etc.)  Did the irises change?  No, but each half of the class found what they were looking for.

What are YOU looking for when you get going with your day?  You will see people, circumstances and situations from the glasses you put on each morning.  That is why I find it is of utmost importance for me, and for my teens now, to begin each day by reading the Bible and concentrating on good things.

Did you ever walk along and not notice the little glittery pieces in certain parts of sidewalks?  If you look carefully, and on purpose, you can spot little “diamonds in the dust.”  But if you are rushing along, you will not see the little glittery pieces sprayed amongst the gray.

Stop to call attention to the leaves swirling in circles; to snow covered evergreens, to a flock of geese overhead.  Teach your children to find the best in each day! Make it a point to appreciate the good parts of each day, and of each person in your life.    Again, it needs to be a concentrated effort!   Put those rose-colored glasses on!  Retrain your vision!

Sowing into the harvest                           Goal:  Wise Wife

A wise woman has goals, works towards them, and considers the long-term ramifications of her actions as they relate to those goals.  Don’t get “lost in the minute” without any perspective of how your actions today affect your long-term goals.  I had a goal:  I was determined to “live happily ever after” with my husband.  At times, I was convinced that I would be “living happily ever after” by myself in my own imagination.  What is your goal for your marriage?  “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.”  Write it down:  “I am going to celebrate my 50^th wedding anniversary with the person I love the most,” – post it and live your life to accomplish it!  THAT’s wisdom!

A wise woman seeks counsel.  I have always taught my kids that if they don’t understand something in school, to seek help before they get so far behind they will never catch up.  Bridges are built before storms make the waters rise.  It is wise to seek counsel from someone who is succeeding at what you want to do (in other words DON’T seek counsel from a miserable 4x divorced person who is thinking of leaving her husband!).  Go to a marriage seminar, read a good book, - give some time and focus to making your marriage awesome before it goes unattended for too long!  If you are having problems, seek out help right away!

A wise woman realizes that every little action and every little word is contributing to the future success or demises of her marriage.  She LIVES out the things she knows to do without excuses.  It’s like each day you are given a packet of seeds to sow, and as you go through your day you are throwing your seeds everywhere in your field.  You can be sure that those seeds will produce something in your future!  The little seeds that seem so inconsequential are capable of producing exponentially an incredible harvest.  Consider a seed for a tomato plant:  not only does it produce the tomato plant, but THEN each tomato produces HUNDREDS of more seeds, so the capacity for each seed you sow should NOT be underestimated!!!  Considering the things in your life that you have control over, usually the life you are living today is as a result of the seeds you have sown in your yesterdays.  

A HomeBUILDER with your words!                        Goal:  Encouraging Wife

An encouraging woman is mature and knows the power of her words.  If I ask you to think of a time when someone said something cruel that hurt your feelings, you could probably recount several instances going back to your elementary school days!  Words are strong weapons:  like a nuclear bomb, once set off there is no turning back!   A wise woman realizes just how powerful her words are and chooses them carefully.  I have used the example of a volcano to describe the power of words to my children.  Once said, words flow forth and can destroy things that took YEARS TO BUILD, and will take YEARS TO REBUILD also!   If you are thinking something that isn’t going to build your home, SHUT UP.  Don’t poison your children or your husband by your cruel thoughtless words.  Get mature!  It is UNBELIEVABLE how quickly foolish women are to speak about the flaws of those they love.  What kind of love demeans an individual – either in front of them or behind their backs?  We need to remember what Thumper’s mother taught him:  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!  This goes with children and teens too.  Would you want THEM recounting your struggles and weaknesses to their friends?  Learn to only speak well of your husband AND your children:  they WILL LIVE UP TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN THEM!!!

Do whatever it takes to grow up in this area.  For me, it was several three word phrases that I practiced saying in my mind when I felt the volcano rising.  With these little sayings running over and over in my mind, I was able to get through many situations without “blowing it.”  Let it go; lay it down; give it up; forget about it!!! 

Stop mid-sentence!!!  If you know you are saying something that doesn’t need to be said:  stop talking!  This is a powerful tool we will look at more later in our lessons.

An encouraging woman knows when to SPEAK UP!   Knowing how to SHUT UP isn’t even enough! Is your husband clinging to the comments of others who compliment him because he doesn’t sense your admiration of him?

My husband travels quite a bit.  In order to help him keep up with what was going on in the house, so he didn’t walk in blind, it was important for me to “speak up” when I often didn’t even feel like talking! Let your husband know the good things about your children, the things they are dealing with, and how you plan to help them through, and he will not jump in and thwart your plans!

An encouraging woman knows how to communicate.  Remember, with guys, “subtle hints don’t work.”  If you feel something needs to be said, SAY IT – don’t expect them to know what’s going through your mind or what you’re dealing with inside!  You need to learn to communicate with a man:  and men don’t read the signs like women do – so a bit of advice I received from a few men I interviewed – “subtle hints don’t work!”  And remember, timing is everything!

An encouraging woman chooses her words carefully.  Remember what the Bible says:  Your words are a SHOWCASE – a CHINA CABINET – a DISPLAY CASE of what is in your heart!!!  Are you BUILDING your home and those in it, or ripping it apart?

Nancy Reagan says:

“I [have] no blueprint for marriage, how to make it happy and long-lasting, but… mainly you have to be willing to GIVE.  … I would add that saying how much you love each other – to each other and also in letters that can be read, and reread over the years – is a wonderful way to stay close.  It is especially important in our busy lives to keep alive what really matters most:  love, caring for each other, finding concrete ways to say it and show it, every day and in every way you can.  It’s what endures, after all, and what we retain and hold onto, especially in our hearts.”

What do you EXPECT?!                             Goal:  Contented Wife

A contented wife can say “it is enough.”  One thing I have always taught my children from the time they were younger is the saying “It is enough.”  Way too many people, women in particular, feel that if they only had one thing or another, THEN they could be content. If they only could lose five more pounds, they could be happy.  If they only had a few hundred more dollars…  A bigger house…   A better husband…  A better job…  Living in the “if only” will only breed discontentment for where you are living in the present.

We have seen more marriages ruined because of foolish women who wanted more and more and more. I heard that there are two ways to have “more money”:  make more $$ or simply spend less!  Learn to live more simply.  Learn to say “it is ENOUGH!”

A contented woman frees her husband from being her “everything.” One exercise I have found to be effective is to make a list of your needs, make sure they are “needs” and not “greeds,” and then ask God to fill those needs.  Once you are looking for those needs to be filled, you may be surprised where the answers can come from. Also, try to take the squeeze off your husband by getting some of your needs met elsewhere.  Need social activities?  Meet a few friends during the day and have your kids play at the park while you socialize.  Need to work out or run errands?  Have a babysitter come during the day so when your husband comes home you can have a wonderful family life.   NO ONE wants to be 100% responsible for another person’s sense of well-being.  Once you realize that, you and your husband will be able to remain in love, and you will be grateful for what he does for you, your house and your family.

The best benefit of this exercise is that you set your husband free from being the “prisoner” of your expectations.  Say, for example, you expect your husband to give you a “break” when he comes home from work.  One day it could be that your husband comes home from work and is able to meet that expectation.  However, since it was what you expected you are not grateful; he only met the expectation.  Then, one day your husband has an extraordinarily rough day at work and needs a break himself.  He comes in the door, exhausted, with the intent of staring blankly at Monday night football.  He does manage to clear the table, but then sits down to watch tv.  Instead of being grateful he cleared the table, you are upset because you expected him to do so much more.  Since he did less than what you expected, you are not only ungrateful for any of his efforts, but you are furious at how little he did when you expected so much.   One of the best bonuses is that your expectations will be put on God, Who is much better equipped to supply your list of needs than one mere husband is.  We need to set our husbands free from being the one totally responsible for filling our needs.  No one person can provide all the needs any one complex woman has! 

A contented woman is grateful for what she has.   I learned many years ago to expect NOTHING in order to become grateful for anything my husband does to contribute.  Instead of being angry and agitated that he came home at 11 p.m. because his plane was delayed, I was happy to see him and grateful he came home at all!  If you learn to expect nothing, you will become a more grateful person.  This is simplistic, and I know there are some situations where there are abuses that may need to be addressed, but all in all this is one of the principles that made my marriage and even my other relationships better.  Gratefulness is a beautiful attitude that you can decide to have.  I was as grateful in my little trailer when we first got married, fixing it up like a little dollhouse, as I am in my big castle home now.  A grateful person is a person everyone wants to be around because she appreciates everything.

A contented woman is “reasonable” and “realistic.”  We counsel many people who want to spend money on “extras” when the family budget can’t support the expenditures.  Make sure your desires, whether for time, money, or expenditures, are in keeping with reality and are reasonable in what is required. Don’t expect a quiet introverted guy to be the life of the party; don’t expect a sports fanatic to miss sports games; don’t expect a guy who has a physically demanding job to come home raring to go.  Not “reasonable” and not “realistic.”

Has he been loved enough?              Goal:  Loving Wife

A loving wife thinks the best of her husband.  She honors and respects her husband for who he IS; and doesn’t have an eye to find out or concentrate on who he ISN’T.  Have you loved your husband enough?   Do you appreciate the things he DOES for you, or are you always harping on the things he doesn’t do?  Nancy Reagan wrote: “In the climate of today, I think it would be good for all of us to focus on the positive, the true, the things that really last, on character, humor, commitment, and love, and on the happy memories of a wonderful man and his life.”

Think of someone in your life who love you the most:  they usually think the best of you.  You WANT to be around them!  Now think of someone who is very critical of you or you know they just don’t like you.  You try to avoid them at all costs!  Without even realizing it, if we are someone who delights in our husband and who thinks the best of them, they will WANT to be around us more!  If we are critical, they will avoid us!  Same works true with your children!

A loving wife is genuinely interested in what her husband is interested in. Nancy Reagan said, “I was, I suppose, a woman of the old school:  If you wanted to make your life with a man, you took on whatever his interests were and they became your interests too.”  Old school or not, the principle rings true.

Dana Reeve, an actress, was a great example.  She married a famous movie star, and was a movie star herself.  She was a constant companion of Christopher Reeves (superman). After her husband became a quadriplegic, Dana told Chris:  “I still love you no matter what.  You are still you,” and she became her chief supporter during his 9-1/2 year ordeal and his work for a cure for spinal cord injuries. After his death, she became the chairwoman of the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation, which funds research on paralysis.  She never returned to her own acting, having taken on what was important to her husband.

"I miss his companionship," said Reeve's widow, who wore his wedding band around her neck. "I would really like him here. It's very disorienting to be one person instead of the team we always were."

A loving wife makes a place for her husband to “come alive.”  Have you delighted in being a part of your husband’s goals and dreams?  Have you supported his ideas?  I love the song by Stephen Curtis Chapman, and the words have become a mission for me to my husband:

Cause what I really want to say

Is what the sun would say to the sky

For giving it a place to come alive

It's like a tale too great to be told

It's something that my heart can only show

I'm gonna take my whole life

Just to let you know

What I really want to say

Our Aim:                                                              Goal:  The UltiMATE Woman!

So what are you aiming for?  If your greatest dreams and goals are separated from your marriage, re-focus!  Work hard to be awesome:  Virtuous, Joyful, Wise, Encouraging, Contented and Loving.  Get LOST IN THE WORK of making your husband look GOOD and be the BEST he can be!

The end result will be what is said about the woman of virtue:  Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband praises her!  Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates!!!

In the book Fascinating Womanhood, which inspired a lot of this class and which we may be referring to later, Helen Andelin describes the Ideal Woman From a Man’s Point of View as possessing both Angelic and Human Qualities.

The Angelic inspires a feeling of worship.  It brings him peace and happiness.  The angelic qualities are:

Understands men

Inner Happiness

Character

Domestic Goddess

The human fascinates, amuses, captivates and enchants him.  It arouses a desire to protect and shelter.  The human qualities are:

Femininity

Radiant Happiness

Radiant Health

Childlikeness

‘The angelic and the human qualities combine to make a woman he can adore and cherish.”

            

Do Not Disturb...

When I travel, I always appreciate that the hotels give you a little sign to hang on your door that indicates "Do Not Disturb."  Many times housekeeping comes in just when you're trying to get ready to leave, are in the middle of handling telephone calls or doing work on the computer, or are trying to just brush your teeth without being interrupted.  Hanging that sign on the door guarantees you will be given adequate time to get your things together before someone comes in.

It is very important for spouses to respect each other's "Do Not Disturb" option.  There are times when it is simply too late to discuss something for one person, one spouse may have a mind over-load from work or stress or may be too upset to try to handle something at the moment.  ALLOW your spouse the "Do Not Disturb" option.  If you need a visual aid, make a sign and allow them to pull it out and take a breather on something you wanted to handle right away but the other person wasn't quite ready to.

I have seen one spouse hang the other up when they were trying to get to work.  The unwise spouse acts as if the other's "work is more important than our marriage!" when the spouse is trying to get to his job on time.  Do you really want to be a WEIGHT on someone's neck or the "wind beneath their wings"?!  

In the past two weeks I have talked with two separate couples in two separate states.  Both wives were being emotionally browbeaten by their husbands so continually that they both left their homes.  Neither wife wanted to leave.  Both wives loved their husbands.  They simply could not take it any more.  They are hoping and still begging for changes but their husbands are both unwilling.  The husbands have made it easier for their wives to live WITHOUT them than to live WITH them.  Instead of ADDING VALUE to the relationship, or even being a "ZERO" and not adding OR subtracting, both have made it a relief when they are not around.  That is beyond my understanding.

Give each other some space and time.  It is okay to ask "is tomorrow a better time to talk?"  Or "is this a good time to talk with you about this"?  Every thing does not have to be handled or talked about on one person's perfect timetable.  Respect each other's right to be heard and listen.  Allow the "Do Not Disturb" sign to enable your spouse the right to get rest, choose the right timing for them, and just do what they need to do without you interrupting them.  The payoff will be an appreciation of your gentle forbearance and willingness to work with two schedules rather than just imposing yours all the time.

CHALLENGE:  What are ways that you have violated the "Do Not Disturb" signs that your spouse has vocalized or needed?  What ways can you improve?  Take steps to consider the other person's timetable and watch the difference it makes in your relationship!

The Dangers of Getting to an Impasse

In labor relations, when two sides simply cannot reach an agreement and become deadlocked, it is called an "impasse".  An impasse is usually mutually harmful, simply for the resulting delays as well as the resulting attitudes on each side from having gotten to the place where the deadlock is evident.  An impasse indicates a situation where no progress can be made.

If couples do not learn to communicate and handle their problems effectively, the result is also an "impasse".  There is no obvious escape from the situation.  Neither side can see the other person's claims; rather than to move forward the couple becomes "stalemated".  In labor negotiations, a mediator must be called in to settle the impasse so both parties can move forward.

What do you do when a husband feels one way about something and the wife a different way?  You both feel so strongly you can't move forward until an agreement is reached...  Before you seek outside help of your pastor or a counselor, try using effective mediation principles between yourselves to see if you can effectively decide what to do first.

1.  Pray together.  Let the Lord direct you as to how HE wants you to end the impasse!  Are you really considering the other's needs more importantly than your own?  Are there things to consider that will negatively affect the future or your spouse or your family spiritually?

2.  Both sides need to seek to understand the other.  Each person has to be given the opportunity to ask a lot of questions.  Maybe the other person has a strong reason for why they feel the way they do.  Maybe something is so disturbing to them that they cannot imagine moving forward until the issue is solved.  Due discovery will help to uncover reasons why someone is not able to defer to the other person's point of view.  Make it a point to ask the other person a question, and then to answer it yourself.  Writing everything down often helps.

3.  Write down the "pros" and "cons" to each way of solving the problem.

4.  Consider an alternate plan other than the one each of you is pursuing.  By thinking outside the box, you can sometimes move forward.  For example, if one person is determined to borrow money for a vacation, and the other person refuses to go into debt for a vacation, maybe you can agree to pay off your loans and then take a vacation, or you can decide to take a smaller get-away while you owe money and after your loans are paid off take a bigger vacation.

5.   Communicate.  Many times impasses are really just a lack of communication.  Each person's underlying interests, emotional barriers to settlement, or blocks to understanding maybe just haven't been communicated.  Maybe timing issues need to be discussed.  Many times underlying emotions need to be addressed that are blockading progress in the decision.  For example, a person may feel that they are "always the one" to give in, and refuse to go forward even if it's something they don't really mind.  Sometimes negative emotions that have nothing to do with the issue at hand block progress and need to be brought to the surface and dealt with before you can move forward.

6.   Don't stop negotiating.  Many impasses occur because negotiations aren't carried through properly.  Each party has a position and they are not willing to move, but this may be that they are unwilling to move unless they see things in different perspective.  With stress blinders on, you can lose clear vision to see the bigger picture.  For example, when my husband's work wanted him to move out of state, he couldn't understand that if I moved away from my family and friends, he would be married to an entirely different person than he fell in love with.  My support team is critical to me in my life, and I define my life not as how much money I make or how beautiful the mountains are outside my window, but being in a closely knit family and walking together with them in all the little ups and downs of life and being a part of their every day experiences.  I know I could never substitute new friends and people I am not related to for my family and have the same meaning and definition of family life.  Realizing he couldn't have the things that our family's lives thrived on from a long distance, my husband realized he could not have the move AND the wife he adored, and he let go of the move.  He had to stop paying attention to "losing" in the decision enough to realize that the "no" to his current desire was really in his best interest long term.

7.    Reaching an agreement.  After reaching an agreement, write down the agreement and hold each other accountable to it.  If it is an agreement to stop spending money, take an accounting twice a week to hold each other accountable to it.  If it is an agreement to spend more time together, make the dates, put them on the calendar, and hold each other to keeping those dates.

If you can't make it through, it is important for you to seek help from your pastor or from a counselor.  An "impasse" means you are stopped from progressing and from moving forward, and that is a bad place for a relationship to be.  If you try to incorporate all the wisdom in moving forward and still can't reach a decision, a third party can often bring hidden things to light.  Sadly, many times the third party is only given partial or wrong information, so be sure that this is not the case.

And remember:  the most important thing is NOT a single decision, but your relationship, and how you feel about each other.  It is more important that your spouse knows you care about their best interests than if you get your own way all the time!

Who Am I???

Today defines who I am. All the treasures in the world, all my material possessions, all the trips I have taken all around the world, all the friendships I have made along the way, cannot replace the value of my family.

If I think of the most joyful and most eventful times of my life, they are surrounded by my family. Today we go to Coasanti's, one of the amazing traditions we use as an excuse to get together. There are many of them -- and then there are just the "normal" days like yesterday, chumming with Danny and his buddy, Christa popping over for awhile, and then meeting Mike and Bethany with Daniel to go to a worship service together and then hang out at their house.

The value of family. Every weekend having kids that want to hang out with us. Seeing them invest in a family that will yield the amazing results of children growing up with their identity solid. Things that people long for, I have lived with for two generations.

I am overwhelmed as I face my "double golden" birthday (55 on October 5!) -- how blessed I am to have a husband to respect how much my family is part of my life. He has exemplified Christ to me in laying his life down to be close to my family. In return, we have had the multiple blessings of having family close: the blessings God knew when He made us part of HIS family: when He put the "solitary" in families. When He moved people, He moved families together. I know that Gary could have moved to Silicon Valley in the early 1980's and tripled his income, but I refused to leave family. I wanted to be here for the ups and for the downs. I wanted to raise my children surrounded by INTRANSIENT relationships -- people who care and stay through thick and thin. I can't even bear to think of what my life would be right now if we had chosen differently. My life without my family. Not a life at all as far as I'm concerned. My life is not defined by the weather or the scenery.

Shania Twain has a great song: "She's not just a pretty face." It lists all the things women are -- and it makes me realize that I have been able to live out so many relationships: not just a wife, but a mom, sister, granddaughter, aunt, niece... The plan of God is much better than the plan of man. Now I have the opportunities to speak the Word and teach and train and be a part of the next generation as Jesse and Amber have their first child. The blessings of a grandparent as told by Scripture: where I can speak and teach "in the way" -- surrounded by love and continuity.

When I think of the most valuable assets I have in the world, I can picture myself with my nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, parents, and those whose love has proved how to define "SUCCESS".

Challenge: Saturate yourself with your family. The ups and downs the goods and bads. Know why your life is defined by your family... Keep it strong and solid. Fight for it. Appreciate it. And if you haven't had the blessing of knowing it firsthand because you come from a broken home, embrace your spouse's family as your own! End the brokenness with YOUR choices!

Responsibilities and Priorities in Marriage

The "daily grind" is the tedious monotonous pattern of daily work. It is doing the right thing, day in and day out.

For a woman, it is changing diapers, emptying the dishwasher to load it again, it is raising children oftentimes not seeing ultimate rewards but only facing challenges, it is rushing through the grocery store with children in tow and then unloading groceries to then take them out of the refrigerator to cook a healthy meal with and cleaning up, only to wake up the next morning and repeat the monotonous performance.

For a man, it is pulling yourself out of bed to face a backstabbing work environment where you are only as good as your last performance and know you can get kicked out the door at any time. It is coming home exhausted to fix things that broke in the house, face a mound of bills, and stretch a dollar.

It is flossing, and arbitrating fights, doing what your family needs and not what you would rather be doing, it is cheering your kids on in their activities and teaching them to help the underprivileged. It is selfless and exhausting.

In the generation prior to mine, when responsibilities were overwhelming, there was only one answer: keep at it - you have mouths to feed and vows to live out. You have a home to maintain and a boss to keep happy so you can keep your job. When it got to the point where inevitably you asked yourself, "Is this all there is to life -- plodding through without appreciation... working to wake up to work again..." the STABILITY of commitments resounded from everywhere around you to keep at it...

Today it is a different story. Media fills "desperate housewives" with trash -- men are portrayed as able to live duplicitous lives with lovers AND wives. Voices call people off the paths of responsibility like never before, and it is accepted and encouraged...

Four of the things that are most common in calling people off the path of responsibility in life are: Ego Needs; Romanticism; Extramarital Affairs; and Pleasure.

Ego Needs - Both men and women appear equally vulnerable to the powerful desire to be admired and respected by the opposite sex. Many who become entangled in an affair often do so because they want to prove they are still attractive to the opposite sex - that someone enjoys hearing them talk, finds them sexy or exciting. These desires are drawn from the core of one's personality, and can make a sane person act in foolish and dishonorable ways.

Romanticism - Many wives, especially when married to busy men - crave romantic encounters. Movies capitalize on their cravings, and depict unrealistic romance in affairs. People crave romantic excitement in their lives.

Extramarital Affairs - The lure of infidelity is everywhere. Men and women both are solicited by the opposite sex without regard to their marital status. People aren't even asking for commitment -- many are content with an exciting "fling".

Pleasure - Fun and games and just a little bit of fun can become a major attraction to leave the life of responsibility.

It is interesting to note that men and women who decide to LEAVE the life of responsibility usually do so at little "blips" -- making "safe" departures from the line, and then return for a time of evaluation. You may not even notice when someone is flirting with a departure from their commitments, until the blip becomes a bulge, and unless deliberately STOPPED the break seems to occur instantaneously. But you can be sure the break was contemplated and "tested" for some time prior.

But here's the big question: What happens to the person who leaves their life of responsibility to follow these exciting voices? Do they really live happily ever after? Invariably, they eventually have to establish another life of responsibility. Life can be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed. The pleasure of an affair has to be interrupted as the couple needs to get back to work. The fantastic romantic feeling becomes rather commonplace again when you have to add responsibilities to the mix. The sexual relationship isn't breathtaking anymore once the secretive nature and newness wears off. Eventually both man and woman have to turn their thoughts to earning a living, cooking, cleaning and paying taxes again, with ego needs accumulating as before. Moon-shot emotions have to come back down to earth.

What does the amorous couple do when they AGAIN conclude the straight life is intolerably heavy? We are all acquainted with men and women who rip from one relationship to another in vain search of prolonged pleasure and sex and ego needs, leaving many rejected and unloved lovers in their wake, along wit children who crave the affection of a father or mother but can never find it. All that is left on the march toward old age is a series of broken relationships and shattered lives and hostile people. The inevitable outcome: James 1.15 - Then when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin, and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.

What is the answer to the life of responsibility that seems so oppressive? What solutions are consistent with Christian faith? Bring those external voices INTO your life of responsibility! To lessen the appeal of those calls, we must simply meet those needs within our marriages!!!

1. Ego Needs - The most successful marriages are those which build up the self esteem of the other. It is SO uncomfortable to be in the company of a man and woman taking verbal swats at each other, attempting to insult and debase their partner. Nothing contributes more to closeness than to convey respect for the personhood of your spouse. Put a BLINDFOLD on to the faults of your spouse and SEE the good in them, and build on it! Let them know they are appreciated at HOME!!!

2. Romanticism - Keep romantic fires burning -- write love notes -- surprise each other -- light candles. Make time for romance in your marriage! No one goes shopping for something they have at home! Be sure to put demanding things aside to make time for romance! ALL children need to know that the world does NOT revolve around them -- it is GOOD for them to see you and your spouse take time for romance together even if they have to be inconvenienced now and then!

3. Intimacy - Couples NEED to reserve time and energy for meaningful sexual relations. Tired bodes make for tired intimate relations. The physical aspect of your relationship needs to be a high priority. Remember -- the best gift you can give your children is a good marriage.

4. Pleasure - Husbands and wives should go on a date at least once a week if possible, leaving children at home. Some form of sports or recreational activity should be enjoyed as a family, even if it is just walking. And take time to LAUGH together -- ENJOY each other!!!

Challenge: Integrate these FOUR AREAS into your marriage IMMEDIATELY, and silence any calls off the life of responsibility that you or your spouse may have been entertaining! Make the life of commitment the most fun and enjoyable life you can! Keep your priorities straight and be creative in making every-day life AMAZING. Appreciate the one who committed to love you all your life, and don't make it an impossibility to do so!

The Two Become One part 2

I have counseled many people who don't really understand the concept of the two becoming one, and if their misconceptions of the concept aren't lined up correctly with the intent and Word of God, their marriage is headed for some stormy seas.

What "two become one" does NOT mean is that a couple follows the dictates of one spouse, with the second one melting into the will of the other spouse.

The Bible has amazing wisdom on two becoming one in a way that your life can virtually be "multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land... as the days of heaven upon the earth." (Deut 11.21) BUT you must diligently keep all these commandments to receive that kind of blessing...

What are the commandments relating to the two becoming one?

Consider the concept of submission. Too many times a husband runs slipshod over the needs and desires of his wife to achieve his own goals and agendas. He often quotes that his wife is to "submit to her husband" (Eph. 5.22), leaving many Christian women feeling that if they bring their own desires and needs into consideration they would be going against God and their husband. Submission and God's appointment of leadership become tools of manipulation and coercion to achieve a man's agenda.

Yet the command to submit "one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 21), which the command to the wife is actually prefaced by stating its preeminence in the equation, is not mentioned.

I have counseled many couples where the woman acquiesces in things against her own personal desires to accommodate her husband in the guise of being a "good Christian wife." Rather than listening to the Holy Spirit inside her, she allows her husband to "lead" (or do his own thing with her trailing behind supporting). Down the road, as her husband continues to make choices that involve others but is only considering his own welfare and needs, the marriage is on the rocks, and the woman, who has left all her goals and dreams, ultimately realizes she is not part of the "two becomes one" equation and frustratedly wonders if she has truly followed God's plan for her life in following such a man. She realizes too late that God does not only speak to her husband, but speaks to her too. A wise man considers his wife's advice because it can stop him from doing something that is not God's plan because his wife can see things from a different perspective and stop problems.

My husband seeks my perspective even for work things, because he knows that sometimes a woman's perspective can avoid problems in the future. Tamar told Amnon not to force her in 2 Sam 13.12; Deborah had to tell Barak to go in Judges 4.14; if Pilot had listened to his wife in Matthew 27.19, he could have spared himself from problems.

The influence of a woman in marriages is something that should be part of the "two becomes one" equation if the days of the couple are to literally be like "days of heaven on earth". Over and over I see woman leave their heart and mind OUT of the "two becomes one" equation and the ultimate end is always resentment, frustration, and marriage problems.

I told my girls when they were dating that anyone who was willing to not consider a desire they had to be a virgin when they got married and insisted on crossing lines the girls set up physically for their own benefit was definitely NOT the kind of man they wanted to commit their life to. If their desires weren't considered then, I could tell you they wouldn't be considered much afterwards.

Jesus is our example as a perfect Bridegroom and how He cares for His bride. He laid His life down for us. He cares about our needs, and meets our needs according to His riches. He decreased so we would increase. A true man who is a spiritual leader considers the needs of his wife -- even if he has to lay down his life -- for her. In fact, we are told to be careful because when you're unmarried you can care for the things that belong to the Lord and how you may please the Lord, but when you are married, you need to care for how you please your wife (1 Cor 7.32-33).

True leadership considers the needs, desires, wants, and goals of the person or people he leads. My husband and I, early in our marriage, while shopping for furniture for our home, decided that if one person didn't like it we needed to continue shopping until we could find something we both liked. We each had "veto" power. We did that for our entire lives, in choosing job positions, rules for our children, and even cable companies. Considering each other's needs, wants, and dreams was important to each of us.

I am so grateful I have a husband who made decisions based on my welfare, even at a cost to him. He never complained about accommodating me; in fact, I knew he was committed to accommodate me. I can truly say I have always felt that my opinion was important and considered in my husband's decision making processes.

When "two becomes one" be sure you bring your part to the equation. You are not doing your husband any favors if you hide your feelings and just go along with his. You are negating the power of two becoming one.

Of course, this works the other way too...

Challenge: In the "two becomes one" equation, have you brought who you are to the equation? Have you truly considered the other person's needs, wants, goals and desires? Do you serve your spouse knowing that when you are married, that is the primary way that you serve the Lord? Bring it to the next level!