Reasons to Quit Being a Control Freak!!!

Regardless of the reasons or justification for our wanting to change our husbands, when we analyze the reasons not to try to change them, it is easier to see why we need to let these things go.  Once we come to the understanding that we need to let go of changing our husbands, we can then look at how to identify and change even the nicest control freak habits we may fallen into.

1.            Not our role.                         

               Goal:   Knowing your place, staying there, and enjoying it.

            First and foremost, it is not your role to change your husband.  When we got married, there was nothing in any ceremony, license or understanding that we were the judge, jury, or image consultants for our husbands.   Most probably a good reason you won your husband’s heart is because he felt you admired and respected him.   

            One thing that really helps me know how to handle a lot of situations and realize what I should be doing in particular situations is knowing my role.  What is your role in your husband’s life? 

            Is your role to change him?  Do you let him know he gets on your nerves or point out his faults?  Do you recite things your father always did to accentuate things he doesn’t do?  Do you leave articles laying around, or worse yet, read them to him thinking he’ll catch on?  Do you drop hints or coax him to improve?  Do you try to make him feel guilty or play the martyr in front of others?

            If we are careful to operate within our role or responsibility, not only are we set free from being “in charge” of who our husband is, but we set our husbands free to learn, change and grow independent of doing so in answer, obedience, or under our authority and demands. 

            When you are operating in the role of judge, jury or image consultant, it is impossible to live the role as wife, lover, friend and soul mate at the same time.  Because you have taken on one, you obscure the other.  You have to make a choice and pick one role and go with it.  Men thrive on your admiration, and a critic’s role by definition is not to admire but rather to express an unfavorable opinion of something.  You can’t be looking for good and bad at the same time.

            Once you start looking for things, you can creatively find things your husband is amazing at.  Some people believe success, goodness, beauty, and talent are like pieces of a pie…  if someone has those things it must be taken from them in order to have it yourself.  We know that God made all of us to be successful, good, beautiful and talented, so we are able to appreciate those things in someone else without feeling threatened by it.  My children would get upset if someone acted “cool” sometimes and would say They think they are so cool!  I would reply, They ARE cool – why can’t they be cool – I think that it is pretty cool that [they have this or that or do this or that].  Let or allow your husband to be cool or good at things and let him know that you think that.  Only good can come as a result of it.

            A man’s temperament, personalities, and position as the leaders of our homes make it difficult for them to take orders from women.  We are going to learn more about that in a later lesson.  But here I want to underscore that we underestimate our role as the second in command.   Ralph Waldo Emerson said Who shall set a limit to the influence of a human being? 

            That is why we set our husbands free from answering to us, we set them free to be the person they are, and we work on who we are.  Many times that will inspire our husbands, but even if it doesn’t we realize that we aren’t responsible for his behavior, only for our own.  Marriage is not an excuse to stop working on your behavior and character because you are working on your husband’s!

           

            When other people tried to conform me into their ideas of what they thought, I resisted, or at best if I changed my actions, it was a burden to me.  However, when the Lord put something on my heart that needed to change, it became a freedom to me.  It became apparent that even if I could manipulate my husband to change his behaviors, it was a burden to him and he often resented it.  By making my demands I was standing in the way of what God could impact my husband to do.  If I would just get out of the way and leave the results to the Lord, many times I could be a part of influencing my husband to change in a more positive way and in so doing make him less resistant to change because it wasn’t in answer to my demands.  Because I chose to love and respect my husband regardless of whether he changed some of his actions or attitudes, he knew regardless of whether he changed or not I still loved and admired him in other areas, leaving the responsibility between him and God.

             After you move out of the way, your husband has no excuse to hide behind and has to answer for his behavior himself.  That’s the freedom of letting God deal it as God and staying in your role and friend, lover, and soul mate.  The problem is that women have more resources, more encouragement, more support, more emotions and see things much deeper than most men.  However, before women are even close to living up to their potential with all these advantages, they are more worried about changing their husbands than they are with changing the way that they are! 

            I love the way the Message Bible states this problem:

            Matthew 7.1-5 - Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s             this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

            Just think of where you will be if all that energy you spend on manipulating and changing your husband is redirected at being the best you can be as a wife!  You will not only learn unconditional love and grow in every character definition of the fruit of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance,

           

            It should be a huge relief for you to relinquish the job of changing your husband. “You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life,…” was an epiphany to Iris in the movie The Holiday.  You are the leading lady and what are you doing to live the life you wanted to?  Your part.  Not your husband’s role, but your role:  your lines and what you say, where you go, and what you do. 

            Now that you know what your role is as wife, if you find yourself operating outside of that role, refuse to.  Starve that behavior.  Make choices to move away from those actions. 

2.            Throws Water on His Love for You

               Goal:            To Keep Putting Firewood to Keep Love Fires Burning and

                                   Avoid Extinguishing Love

            Just like a fire needs to be fed, so does your relationship.  If you think you are staying the same, you are probably heading backwards.  There are many things that can contribute to extinguishing love.  Unfortunately, men tend to take more than women without saying anything.  They may retreat into a shell, stop trying to impress their wives, lose the delight to discuss situations with her feeling she is too critical and doesn’t see the best in him, or turn his attention to other things that will distract him from thinking about your relationship, such as hanging out with his friends more, watching an overabundance of television or working as often as he can.  Sadly, many men will suffer through a lot of things without saying anything and then one day they are DONE.  They get up and they walk away, and many wives have come to be shocked and surprised that “one day” their husband had just “had enough.”  He was done.  The problem is, though, that this didn’t start any time in the recent past:  it has been building and building and building without resolution.

            Let’s face it: your husband would never be romantically interested in his mother.  The moment you take on a mother role with your husband, you are throwing water all over the fires of romantic love and you can be sure those feelings will be doused in a hurry if he looks at you more as a mother image than his lover, friend, and wife.

            At the website affaircare.com, there are several things that extinguish love listed.  As you read through this list, mark off or check the ones you feel you need to stop throwing on the romantic fires in your relationship:

            *Emotional Neglect

                        -Scorekeepers

                        -Fault finders

                        -My way or the highway (controlling)

                        -Bottomless pit (enough is never enough)

            *Spiritual Neglect

                        -Will not forgive

                        -Lack of personal transparency

                        -Smoke and mirrors (deception)

                        -Disrespectful judgments

            *Physical Neglect

                        -No tender touch

                        -Withholding sexual fulfillment

                        -Abandoning physical attractiveness

            *Financial Neglect

                        -Ongoing unemployment that isn’t part of a mutual understanding

                        -Unwilling/Unable to live by a budget

                        -Hidden debt

                        -Hidden spending or overspending

                        -IRS or legal financial trouble (judgments, liens, etc.)

            *Family Neglect

                        -Refusing to leave and cleave

                        -Not making time for personal adult time (including recreation)

                        -Not making time for each child individually (child rearing)

                        -Inequitable distribution of household chores

                        -Getting too comfortable; giving up

            *Social Neglect

                        -Irritating habits (discourteous)

                        -Independent behavior

                        -Not sharing activities or free time together

                        -The silent treatment or not listening actively

            *Security Neglect

                        -Angry explosions

                        -Attack dog (verbal/emotional abuse)

                        -Passive warmonger (passive-aggressive)

                        -Physical abuse

                        -Not being a safe haven

            Now as we look at some of the things listed for kindling love see where you are adding kindling wood to your relationship:

            *Emotional commitment

                        -Loved:  Do you make sure your spouse feels a loving emotional connection and    
                         commitment from you?

                        -Valued:  Does your spouse believe he is valued by you?

                        -Respected:  Does your spouse believe you respect him?

                        -Trusted:  Does your spouse trust you and see you as trustworthy?  Do
                          you trust him and see him as trustworthy?

                        -Accepted:  Does your spouse know you accept him for the person he  
                         is?                                    

                        -Appreciated:  Do you express appreciation for your spouse and the 
                         things he does?                                    

                        -Affection:  Do you express affection for your spouse in words and 
                         actions?                                    

                        -Admiration:  Do you admire your spouse and say so out loud?

                        -Understood:  Does your spouse know you understand him?

                        -Forgiveness:  When your spouse does something wrong, do you 
                         forgive him and not bring it up later in an argument?                                    

            *Spiritual Values

                        -Are your spouse’s spiritual values supported by you?

                        -Do you and your spouse have a shared spiritual life?

                        -Do you respect your spouse’s beliefs?

                        -Do you have spiritual transparency about your spiritual beliefs?

            *Physical Commitment

                        -Touch:  Do you regularly touch your spouse?

                        -Kissed:  Do you kiss regularly?

                        -Hugged:  Do you hug regularly?

                        -Tenderness:  Do you regularly cuddle and hold hands?

                        -Are you sexually active with your spouse?

                        -Are you physically attracted to your spouse (their hair, body,  
                         grooming, clothing)?                      

                       

            *Financial Commitment

                        -Is your spouse able to provide for family and children?

                        -Does your spouse actively participate in providing for family and 
                          children?          

                        -Are you able to pay monthly bills without going into debt?

                        -Can you live a lifestyle that’s mutually acceptable to both you and

                        your spouse?

                        -Does your spouse contribute to family income?                       

                        -Does your spouse contribute to paying off family debt?

                        -Are you able to plan for future financial stability?

                        -Are you able to plan for future needs such as kids’ college?

                        -Can your spouse live by a budget?

            *Family Commitment

                        -Does your spouse make time for adult time alone with you?

                        -Does your spouse make time for the children individually?

                        -Do you ask your spouse for help with household chores in a  
                         reasonable way?                     

                        -Do you enlist your spouse’s with raising your children?

                        -Does your spouse say ‘yes’ more than ‘no’ whenever possible?

                        -Do you offer your spouse a “day off” now and then?

            *Social Commitment

                        -Do you include your spouse in your social activities?

                        -Do you support and encourage your spouse in social situations?

                        -Do you share fun and enjoyable activities together?

                        -Do you share joy and laughter?

                        -When others are around, is it obvious you are a couple in love?

                        -Do you like to spend your free time with your husband?

                        -Do you offer your husband free time at home?

                        -Are you a companion to your spouse?

                        -Do you listen well to your spouse and express both interest and 
                         caring?                

                       

            *Security Commitment

                        -Do you support your spouse in times of crises?

                        -Do you turn to your spouse in time of crises?

                        -Do you stand by your spouse?

                        -Are you loyal and committed to your spouse and your marriage?

                        -Do you present a united front with your spouse (against relatives

                        or the children)?                       

                        -Is your relationship secure and not “in the balance” over a fight?

                        -Are you there for your spouse when you feel he needs you?

                        -Are you a “soft place to fall,” a safe haven, for your spouse?           

            It should be your goal to be sure you are not constantly dousing love and instead kindling it.  Your actions every day are bringing you closer to total extinguishment or total acceptance and love.  To me this is not complicated:  it involves your choices moment by moment.  You choose which way you will act and respond.  Again, you are responsible for your actions and not your husband’s.  When you purpose to work on yourself to love someone the way you committed to, good things are bound to follow.

3.      When you are constantly trying to change your husband you appear self

          righteous and proud, and self righteousness and pride are worse problems

          than many of the things you pick on about your husband.

          Goal:     To be humble and give him the freedom to grow.           

In What Women Should Know About the Male Ego, by Lance Morton, we are reminded:  Women judge men by their potential and in a very real sense view them as a home-improvement project. Women often express their love for a man by helping him to be a better person. In all honesty, most men don’t want to be a better person, men just want total acceptance. When a man chooses to change, it is usually in association with the fulfillment of his dreams. He is not highly motivated to long term change in order to become what a woman perceives to be a better person, especially if her idea of a better person is isolated and disconnected from his perceived mission in life. A woman’s effort to improve a man feels like a shot to his self-esteem and it is hurtful. When a woman constantly attempts to encourage a man to continue to improve, the man will often conclude that there is nothing he can to do to please her. At the point of that realization, the man usually chooses to devalue the woman’s opinion until it doesn’t matter. Paradoxically, however, men need and want the approval of a woman. Thus, a man who has discounted the value of the opinion of one woman will usually begin to look for another woman who sees him in a more favorable light. Herein lays the root cause of most broken relationships.

When a woman understands that a man needs to be pursuing his dream, that he is not particularly in touch with feelings, and that he longs for acceptance and approval, she can begin to use this knowledge to help her to align her needs and his goals in a harmonious manner. Woman should understand that the man’s dream is his essence and that she will not be able create a successful relationship with a man whose dream she does not support. She must look for ways to align her needs with his purpose by speaking the literal language of achievement and by not over-dwelling in the world of feelings. While men can certainly learn to understand and validate the feelings of a woman, if her intent is to motivate change, the use of the language of feelings will not advance her goal. Women should realize that a man’s evolvement will never be graphed as a steadily rising line, she must allow for plateaus of acceptance. There should be periods of time when the man feels that he has successfully climbed the cliff of improvement and reached a plateau of the safety and total acceptance.

Give your husband the same freedom that God Himself gave him:  his free will.  Accept him for who he is, knowing he is part virtue and part fault.  Look to the good things he is rather than the things he lacks.    Admire your husband, and put him first in your life.   When you give him this personal freedom, his mind will function without barriers and he will be receptive to new ideas, even yours, and encouraged to be his better self. 

William Shakespeare said A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.  Accept your husband where he is and allow him the change to grow. 

A man expects his wife to be the one secure haven where he can relax, be himself, and feel secure.  The realization you are dissatisfied with him threatens his feeling of security, just as you would feel insecure if you felt he didn’t love you for who you are.  This destroys any hope and incentive to strive to be better anyways.  Because of the resentments, angry feelings, conflict, arguments, frustrations, discord and threats to your man’s security, is trying to change him really worth it?  Does what you hope to accomplish in improving him really compensate for the discord in your

home and the damage to your relationship?  Which is more important to you, your children and your husband?  Isn’t love and harmony in marriage of greater value? (taken from FW)

You need to concentrate on your own growth so you can avoid the sin of pride, which constantly tempts us to focus on changing our spouses while neglecting our own weaknesses.  Sacred Influence states that it is not wrong to desire more from your husband, and you may enjoy your marriage more if your husband would drop some bad habits.  But if you are seeking to change your husband you neglect to grow yourself. 

God can use your marriage to teach you how to love.  When we face spiritual and relational trials with the same effect, God can use your marriage to make you a stronger, wiser and more complete woman – provided you don’t run from the challenges that being married to your husband represents.

When your husband receives a steady diet of praise and true appreciation, it can motivate him to overcome his weaknesses and become a better man.  Appreciation can inspire a man, child, or any individual grow to a higher potential.  I knew this from the way my mom raised me and lived it out while raising my children.  I refused to have any other kind of love than the kind in 1 Corinthians 13.7 that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  I chose to believe the best about my children, despite any minor lapses they were going through.  I told them, “I know you will make the right choice,” many times and prayed that they did.  Even if they didn’t, they were able to see the results of the wrong choices and see for themselves the reasons our family chose to do a lot of things differently than other people did.  That way, as my children grew into adulthood they knew that they had people that believed the best in them, which I saw lift them to another level. 

One of the things I appreciate about my husband is that he never tries to change me.  There has never been a time in our lives together where I have felt unloved.  I am a more emotional girl, and I have had to work at making sure that he never feels less than totally loved and accepted.  Because emotions tend to sink to the lowest place, this involves taking responsibility, accountability, and having maturity over the words I blurt out. 

There is a song I particularly like, called Who Will Love Me For Me by JJ Heller:

            He cries in the corner where nobody sees

            He's the kid with the story no one would believe

            He prays every night, “Dear God won't you please

            Could you send someone here who will love me?”

            Who will love me for me

            Not for what I have done or what I will become

            Who will love me for me

            'Cause nobody has shown me what love

            What love really means

            Her office is shrinking a little each day

            She's the woman whose husband has run away

            She'll go to the gym after working today

            Maybe if she was thinner

            Then he would've stayed

            And she says…

            Who will love me for me?

            Not for what I have done or what I will become

            Who will love me for me?

            'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

            He's waiting to die as he sits all alone

            He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done

            He utters a cry from the depths of his soul

            “Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

            Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

            And it said

            I know you've murdered and I know you've lied

            I have watched you suffer all of your life

            And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...”

            I will love you for you

            Not for what you have done or what you will become

            I will love you for you

            I will give you the love

            The love that you never knew

To love your husband, for who he is, in spite of his shortcomings, is an attribute of God Himself.  Beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder, and if you can learn to love, really love, it is the strongest force there is.  The beauty is that if you walk with the Lord, when you run out of love, He will love through you if you just get out of the way.

Most human dysfunctions stem from a lack of love.  When someone really loves you it inspires you to want to be better for them.  I want to love my husband more unconditionally because of the way he loves me, not because of the way he picks at me.   Romans 5.8 tells us that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  Can we show your spouses that while they are yet unperfect we can die to our selfishness and our agendas to just love them?  Joyce Meyers wrote a book called the Love Revolution, which reminds us that for our love to be revolutionary, we need to

practice love every day, until the culture of selfishness gives way to a new culture of concern for others. 

You you really think you are a better person than your husband is?  You need to humbly see your own weaknesses so you can accept his. When you demand that someone change for your sake, you are literally trying to bend the world around your comfort, your needs, and your happiness.  That’s pride, arrogance, and self centeredness – and God will never bless that. 

Free Agency is one of the most fundamental laws of life.  Mankind does not develop or experience happiness without it.  God was fully aware of this principle when He created man and placed him on the earth.  He allowed the forces of evil to be present to tempt him and to try him.  And He knew from the beginning that many of the precious souls of men would fall into sin and reap the bitterness which comes from disobedience.  But He also knew that without freedom, mankind could not grow and develop.  Man has to be given a choice and make that choice himself.  If God could risk man’s future happiness in order to extend to him his precious freedom, a woman should allow her husband this same privilege.  Let him do what he wants to do, and be what he wants to be without interference.

A man is particularly in need of religious freedom, as all mankind has always been.  Wars have been fought over it; men have fought valiantly and died for it; the Pilgrims left Europe because of it; America was founded on this principle.  It is still as important to each of us today; it is out God-given right.  A man has a right to his personal feelings about religion.  When his wife extends this freedom to him, rewards follow.  His mind is more open.  He is more apt to consider another viewpoint.   (Taken from FW.)

Steven Stosny wrote a book on Freedom to Love, asking When did ‘I love you’ degenerate into ‘Meet my needs!’  He states:  To be free to do something, you must be free not to do it.  We are free to love only to the extent that we aren't forced into it by guilt, shame, fear of abandonment, or, worst of all, the interpretation of vulnerable feelings as emotional needs. No matter how seductive "I need you," may sound in popular songs, the partner who needs you cannot freely love you.

If someone needs you, he or she is more likely to abuse you than to give freely of love and support. Most painful conflicts in committed relationships begin with one partner making an emotional request - motivated by a perceived "need" - that the other, motivated by a different "need," regards as a demand. Any disagreement can feel like abuse when the perceived "need" of one party to be "validated" crashes headlong into the "need" of the other not to be manipulated.

"If you loved me, you'd do what I want (or see the world the way I do)," one argues.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't try to control me," the other counters.

The problem is not in the language the couples use or even the content of their arguments, which is why communication and problem-solving techniques rarely help over time. As long as they perceive themselves to have emotional needs that their partners must gratify, their desire to love is reduced to "Getting my needs met," which the partner often perceives as, "You have to give up who you are to meet my needs."

Ultimately, the freedom to love is a core value issue. Which is more important to you, getting your perceived needs met or loving freely? Which gives you the better chance of being loved freely in return?

Stosny’s observations explore the differences between “toddler” love, driving by perceived needs, and “adult” love, driven by desire and values. 

I love how in the movie What About Bob, he walks around grasping saying “I need! I need! I need!”  It is a good catch phrase: if I hear myself sounding “needy” I break into the Bill Murray “I need!  I need!  I need!”

Once you stop expecting your husband to be perfect, and once you give your needs to the Lord, you can learn to love your husband for who he is, and set him free to grow.

4.    It doesn’t work.

       Goal:   To give it up.

            The number one reason you shouldn’t try to change your husband is that it doesn’t work.  It causes your husband to retreat into a shell, creates discord, cools romance, and often causes your husband to want to stay away from you.  When you become a magnifying mirror of your husband’s faults, he will not want to stay around you for long.  How long can you stay in front of that magnifying mirror that makes your pores look like they are to the 100^th power?! 

            When my toilet overflowed and I couldn’t plunge it, I knew I couldn’t use it:  it didn’t work.  I left the plunger in the toilet because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was operative!  Why bother trying to use it when it didn’t work?  In the same way, knowing that trying to change your husband doesn’t work but does the opposite, give it up!   When you put the squeeze on your husband, you squeeze the life right out of him!

            Remember, to awaken a man’s love, make him feel like a man.  (Fascinating Womanhood [“FW”])  If you can’t find things to admire and appreciate in your husband right now, have faith in his potential, which is a very real part of a person.  Remember things he has done in the past.  Think about him, about how he deals with others, about his character.  Observe him, and listen to the things he talks about.  Be sincere and specific, and communicate to him some of the things you appreciate about him. 

            Also, look at some of his faults and determine if they are a negative expression of a strength.  For example, maybe your husband is obsessive or demanding, but that is just a negative exhibition of his being a hard worker and a pursuer of excellence.  It has been said that your strength can often be your weakness.  Maybe the things you are seeing are through a critical eye; if you looked beneath the surface you could see the driving force behind the outward behavior and try to inspire the positive demonstration of that strength to life.  This principle applies to raising children too:  your strength is often shown in your weaknesses that need to be turned around.

            For example, I had a strong willed child who had temper tantrums all the time.  The problem was not her strong will, which was later important in her life to swim against the tide of popular opinion to make right choices.  The problem was in the demonstration of the strength through temper tantrums.  Tweaked and turned around, her strong will became her greatest asset in high school.

Request to a Wife

Dear wife, I need adoring looks,

The kind I read about in books.

I want esteem, I want affection.

Please, darling, beam in my direction.

Don’t, dearest, frown and squint your eyes.

Don’t cut me down to proper size.

Oh, do not fear and do not doubt me.

I want to hear the good about me.

So, if you’d be in married clover,

Make over me.

Don’t make me over.

Richard Armour

Michael Card has a song that says:  Can we go on and show the world what it badly needs to know:  That a human soul can love another human soul.

Remember, it is not always about you.  You are not the sun and every one else the planets.  The world shouldn’t revolve around you.  Putting some of these habits of not changing your husband will help to remind you of that, and you will end up liking yourself more regardless of any changes that happen in your relationships!

Today Is a New Sheet of Paper --

To My Precious Child from Your Heavenly Father:

                  Attached is a new sheet of paper.  It has never been written on.  I have a special assignment for you today:

                  -Please write anything you want on this paper.  This paper is how you want to live today.  

                  -Make sure you start with a blank paper.  That means leaving any unforgiveness, bad attitudes towards others, bitterness or anger out of it.  Give all others a fresh start in your heart, and write with an appreciation for others, knowing that I do the same for you today.

                  -You can write something you learned from other papers in your past that you don't want to forget today, but you cannot re-write your past. 

                  -You can write something you hope for in your future that you want to remember today, but right now, you cannot write your future: you can only write your "today".

                  -Write with reckless abandon – I want you to throw yourself into this day and live 100% in it - don't hold back.  

                  -I want you to write without fear.  Know that I am with you today to walk with you.  Look at the Bible and the accounts of all those who have gone before you.  Trust Me.

                  -I want you to write with Me in mind.  You know the plans I have for you.  You know what I have told you is good for you and what is not.  Just as you don't have to call your parents to make every little decision because you know what they would say, don't think you have to ask Me for every little decision.  You know which relationships I will bless and which I will not; you know what things I will bless and which I won't.

                  -I want you to soak up the gifts I've given you today.  The people, the places, the events.  I want you to be the most amazing culmination of YOU there can be today. Be a wise steward over the things I've put into your life today, and make a difference in the lives of others, at the places you go and at the events you attend today.  Once today is gone, some of the people, places and events may never be there again.  But know that I will never change. 

                  -Write your own paper.  No copying.  No cheating.  No asking someone else to write for you.  No blaming someone else for what is written on your paper.  Only you can write your today and take responsibility for your today.

                  -Write with courage.  It takes courage to face new challenges, climb new mountains, face new difficulties.  Do all you can and leave the results to Me.

                  -This day is only a day quickly passed and gone.  Give ALL. 

                  -And when tomorrow comes, I will give you a new paper to do the assignment again.

                                                                                                            Love, Your Heavenly Father

What is Important to Men?

 First, let’s look at a few excerpts written by men about what THEY expect in a wife:

She must be beautiful, … not necessarily on the outside. She must be able to find the beauty in simple things. She must be able to find humor in the absurd. She must have a desire to care for me, and to let me care for her. She must know what forever means. She would be able to argue with me passionately and still respect my opinion. She must be kind. She must be honest and must be able to trust. She must want to look into my eyes at the end of our days and say 'We have done good things.'

A …“good wife” is someone who respects “all” people whether they are a Senator or a waiter in a restaurant. I also believe a “good wife” is someone who understands the value of a family and therefore family at all costs must come first when decisions are made. A good wife is someone who maintains peace and order within the household, looks after the bills, education of the kids, the nutrition and social entertainment of the family. Also a “good wife” is someone who is willing to speak out when/if there is something wrong (for example if the husband is doing something wrong). A good wife is also someone who accepts aging and so when she is 45 I don’t expect her to need to purchase a new hot red convertible and pretend she is a teenager. A “good wife” is also someone who doesn’t put pressure on herself, husband or the kids if the situation does not call for it (for example tells me to take out $2000 a month mortgage when I know we’d be better off with $1000 monthly mortgage, or tells the kids they must get all straight “A’s” in order to go to Disney World. A “good wife” is someone who loves/likes to work things in-house before telling the Sis, the momma, the “friend” the grandma and whoever else.  That’s my idea of a “good wife.”

When men FIND a good wife, they are devoted. 

Consider the most grand monument of unparalleled beauty built in the history of human civilization:  the Taj Mahal, one of the seven wonders of the world, and the most memorable symbol of love in the world was built in honor of his third wife, Mumtaz Mahal.  The most beautiful building in the universe took Shahjahan 22 years and most of his royal treasury to build. She was married at the age of 14 years old, she bore him 14 children, and she remained an inseparable companion of her husband till her death. She died while accompanying her husband in Behrampur in a campaign to crush a rebellion, after giving birth to their 14th child. Her death so crushed the emperor that all his hair and beard were said to have grown snow white in a few months.  For the love and affection she showed to her husband, Mumtaz Mahal received highest honor of the land - the royal seal.  According to the legends, stories of her virtue spread all over the Mughal Empire. 
 The Taj has a life of its own that leaps out of marble, provided you understand that it is a monument of love:  it actually changes colors to depict the different moods of women. 

Mumtaz was quite a woman to bear FOURTEEN kids, truck around with her husband everywhere – even accompanying him to “crush a rebellion,” and STILL be such an awesome companion and partner her husband created a WONDER OF THE WORLD for her!!!  Doesn’t that INSPIRE YOU that YOU can be wonderful to YOUR husband too – I want my husband to feel that way towards me!!!

Listen to these notes written by men to their wives:

“The Star in the East was a miracle as was the Virgin Birth.  I have no trouble believing in those miracles because a miracle happened to me and it’s still happening.  Into my life came one tiny dear and a light shone round about.  The light still shines and will as long as I have you.  Please be very careful when you cross the street.  Don’t climb on any ladders.  Wear your rubbers when it rains.  I love my light and don’t want to be ever in the dark again.  I love you – Merry Christmas – Your ranch hand.”

“I guess when I was young I thought marriage might be this way for a while:  I never knew it could go on and on, getting better and better year after year.”

“This is really just an ‘in between’ day.  It is a day on which I love you 365 days more than I did a year ago, and 365 less than I will a year from now.  But I wonder how I lived at all for all the 365’s before I met you.  All my love, Your Husband.”

What does a wife do to elicit these responses from her husband?  Let’s look at what EVERY woman who desires the heart of her husband needs to know.

What does he see in YOU?              Goal:  Virtuous Wife

A virtuous woman contributes to something outside herself and her circle of family and friends.  I think it is important for women to be involved in something that contributes to building our society in some way.   Whether it’s volunteering at a hospital, or at a cancer support group or nursing home, whether it’s being in charge of the Brownie troop or some other non-profit organization, it is important that we take the time to give back something to the society of which we are a part.  When you take the time to be involved in helping others less fortunate than yourself, many things come about as a result:

*Your kids see that it is important to take time for others, even while you’re still trying to “get it together” yourself.

*Your family is aware of those less fortunate and less apt to complain about petty things.

*Your family will have an enhanced appreciation of the “gift” of the “present.”

A virtuous woman exhibits VIRTUE. WHAT are some virtues?: prudence, temperance, courage, justice; love, hope, faith, humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, diligence, faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice.  How are these virtues demonstrated in your daily life?   These virtues usually shine the brightest when tested…  Every person has at least one “gift” – one area where they are strong in.  Take your gift and use it to make your home a better place!

A virtuous woman can be trusted.  Can your husband trust you?  Can he trust that you will do him good and not evil all the days of your life?  That is the reference to the “virtuous woman” in Proverbs 31.  It says there that the virtuous woman’s husband safely trusts in her, so that he needs nothing.

He needs NOTHING!  This woman can be COUNTED ON!

A virtuous woman is a hard worker; she is not lazy!  She takes care of herself.  She learns about things she needs to know about:  mending, cooking, baking, and homemaking, but also computers, business deals, nutrition, and other things that are of value to her home.  She gets up early and often stays up late.  The virtuous woman, with her virtues, has really got it together!  And when she doesn’t she’s working towards getting it together!

A virtuous woman is a woman her husband can be proud of.  When your husband talks about you to others, or others talk to him about you, what are they saying about you?  Is your husband proud to tell his friends and associates about the things you are doing and the things you are involved in?  

Lightening the load                                       Goal:  Joyful Wife

A joyful wife takes responsibility for how she looks at things.  My sister has a sign hanging in front of the mirror in her bathroom saying, You are looking at the person responsible for your happiness.  We’re not talking about the kind of “happy” fleeting feeling a child has with a new toy – a “happy” feeling that quickly fades.  We are talking about an overriding sense of JOY from being the person you were created to be:  a good person, doing what you were created to do:  good things, thinking what you were made to think:  good things, and talking good.   Not retaliating and being a responder to others’ problems or actions, but being response-able for your actions:  actions that don’t change because you don’t change.

A joyful wife looks at the world with character.  You will tend to look at your world from the glasses you choose to wear.  I had a pair of pink colored glasses on my counter for quite some time to teach my kids to look at their world “through rose-colored glasses” on purpose.  And what glasses do you look at your world through?  Usually the glasses you are looking at the world through are colored with the STRONGEST character trait you have. 

For example, if you are loyal and trustworthy, you will look at other people that way.  If you have a negative, complaining spirit, when you leave a party, you will be looking at the party negatively.  If you have a grateful spirit, like the women I helped when I volunteered at Gilda’s Club, you will be looking at every day to find things to be grateful for. 

That explains why several people can live in the same household, and later, when talking about it, they will all see it through the “glasses” they have on. 

A joyful wife is looking for the good in life.  To illustrate this fact, I brought a beautiful bunch of irises to my daughter’s classroom.  I called half the class up to find the good things about the irises, and they began to detail them.  I called the other half of the class up to find the things that were wrong with the irises, and that half began to detail all the wrong things (bent stem wilted petal, etc.)  Did the irises change?  No, but each half of the class found what they were looking for.

What are YOU looking for when you get going with your day?  You will see people, circumstances and situations from the glasses you put on each morning.  That is why I find it is of utmost importance for me, and for my teens now, to begin each day by reading the Bible and concentrating on good things.

Did you ever walk along and not notice the little glittery pieces in certain parts of sidewalks?  If you look carefully, and on purpose, you can spot little “diamonds in the dust.”  But if you are rushing along, you will not see the little glittery pieces sprayed amongst the gray.

Stop to call attention to the leaves swirling in circles; to snow covered evergreens, to a flock of geese overhead.  Teach your children to find the best in each day! Make it a point to appreciate the good parts of each day, and of each person in your life.    Again, it needs to be a concentrated effort!   Put those rose-colored glasses on!  Retrain your vision!

Sowing into the harvest                           Goal:  Wise Wife

A wise woman has goals, works towards them, and considers the long-term ramifications of her actions as they relate to those goals.  Don’t get “lost in the minute” without any perspective of how your actions today affect your long-term goals.  I had a goal:  I was determined to “live happily ever after” with my husband.  At times, I was convinced that I would be “living happily ever after” by myself in my own imagination.  What is your goal for your marriage?  “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.”  Write it down:  “I am going to celebrate my 50^th wedding anniversary with the person I love the most,” – post it and live your life to accomplish it!  THAT’s wisdom!

A wise woman seeks counsel.  I have always taught my kids that if they don’t understand something in school, to seek help before they get so far behind they will never catch up.  Bridges are built before storms make the waters rise.  It is wise to seek counsel from someone who is succeeding at what you want to do (in other words DON’T seek counsel from a miserable 4x divorced person who is thinking of leaving her husband!).  Go to a marriage seminar, read a good book, - give some time and focus to making your marriage awesome before it goes unattended for too long!  If you are having problems, seek out help right away!

A wise woman realizes that every little action and every little word is contributing to the future success or demises of her marriage.  She LIVES out the things she knows to do without excuses.  It’s like each day you are given a packet of seeds to sow, and as you go through your day you are throwing your seeds everywhere in your field.  You can be sure that those seeds will produce something in your future!  The little seeds that seem so inconsequential are capable of producing exponentially an incredible harvest.  Consider a seed for a tomato plant:  not only does it produce the tomato plant, but THEN each tomato produces HUNDREDS of more seeds, so the capacity for each seed you sow should NOT be underestimated!!!  Considering the things in your life that you have control over, usually the life you are living today is as a result of the seeds you have sown in your yesterdays.  

A HomeBUILDER with your words!                        Goal:  Encouraging Wife

An encouraging woman is mature and knows the power of her words.  If I ask you to think of a time when someone said something cruel that hurt your feelings, you could probably recount several instances going back to your elementary school days!  Words are strong weapons:  like a nuclear bomb, once set off there is no turning back!   A wise woman realizes just how powerful her words are and chooses them carefully.  I have used the example of a volcano to describe the power of words to my children.  Once said, words flow forth and can destroy things that took YEARS TO BUILD, and will take YEARS TO REBUILD also!   If you are thinking something that isn’t going to build your home, SHUT UP.  Don’t poison your children or your husband by your cruel thoughtless words.  Get mature!  It is UNBELIEVABLE how quickly foolish women are to speak about the flaws of those they love.  What kind of love demeans an individual – either in front of them or behind their backs?  We need to remember what Thumper’s mother taught him:  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!  This goes with children and teens too.  Would you want THEM recounting your struggles and weaknesses to their friends?  Learn to only speak well of your husband AND your children:  they WILL LIVE UP TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN THEM!!!

Do whatever it takes to grow up in this area.  For me, it was several three word phrases that I practiced saying in my mind when I felt the volcano rising.  With these little sayings running over and over in my mind, I was able to get through many situations without “blowing it.”  Let it go; lay it down; give it up; forget about it!!! 

Stop mid-sentence!!!  If you know you are saying something that doesn’t need to be said:  stop talking!  This is a powerful tool we will look at more later in our lessons.

An encouraging woman knows when to SPEAK UP!   Knowing how to SHUT UP isn’t even enough! Is your husband clinging to the comments of others who compliment him because he doesn’t sense your admiration of him?

My husband travels quite a bit.  In order to help him keep up with what was going on in the house, so he didn’t walk in blind, it was important for me to “speak up” when I often didn’t even feel like talking! Let your husband know the good things about your children, the things they are dealing with, and how you plan to help them through, and he will not jump in and thwart your plans!

An encouraging woman knows how to communicate.  Remember, with guys, “subtle hints don’t work.”  If you feel something needs to be said, SAY IT – don’t expect them to know what’s going through your mind or what you’re dealing with inside!  You need to learn to communicate with a man:  and men don’t read the signs like women do – so a bit of advice I received from a few men I interviewed – “subtle hints don’t work!”  And remember, timing is everything!

An encouraging woman chooses her words carefully.  Remember what the Bible says:  Your words are a SHOWCASE – a CHINA CABINET – a DISPLAY CASE of what is in your heart!!!  Are you BUILDING your home and those in it, or ripping it apart?

Nancy Reagan says:

“I [have] no blueprint for marriage, how to make it happy and long-lasting, but… mainly you have to be willing to GIVE.  … I would add that saying how much you love each other – to each other and also in letters that can be read, and reread over the years – is a wonderful way to stay close.  It is especially important in our busy lives to keep alive what really matters most:  love, caring for each other, finding concrete ways to say it and show it, every day and in every way you can.  It’s what endures, after all, and what we retain and hold onto, especially in our hearts.”

What do you EXPECT?!                             Goal:  Contented Wife

A contented wife can say “it is enough.”  One thing I have always taught my children from the time they were younger is the saying “It is enough.”  Way too many people, women in particular, feel that if they only had one thing or another, THEN they could be content. If they only could lose five more pounds, they could be happy.  If they only had a few hundred more dollars…  A bigger house…   A better husband…  A better job…  Living in the “if only” will only breed discontentment for where you are living in the present.

We have seen more marriages ruined because of foolish women who wanted more and more and more. I heard that there are two ways to have “more money”:  make more $$ or simply spend less!  Learn to live more simply.  Learn to say “it is ENOUGH!”

A contented woman frees her husband from being her “everything.” One exercise I have found to be effective is to make a list of your needs, make sure they are “needs” and not “greeds,” and then ask God to fill those needs.  Once you are looking for those needs to be filled, you may be surprised where the answers can come from. Also, try to take the squeeze off your husband by getting some of your needs met elsewhere.  Need social activities?  Meet a few friends during the day and have your kids play at the park while you socialize.  Need to work out or run errands?  Have a babysitter come during the day so when your husband comes home you can have a wonderful family life.   NO ONE wants to be 100% responsible for another person’s sense of well-being.  Once you realize that, you and your husband will be able to remain in love, and you will be grateful for what he does for you, your house and your family.

The best benefit of this exercise is that you set your husband free from being the “prisoner” of your expectations.  Say, for example, you expect your husband to give you a “break” when he comes home from work.  One day it could be that your husband comes home from work and is able to meet that expectation.  However, since it was what you expected you are not grateful; he only met the expectation.  Then, one day your husband has an extraordinarily rough day at work and needs a break himself.  He comes in the door, exhausted, with the intent of staring blankly at Monday night football.  He does manage to clear the table, but then sits down to watch tv.  Instead of being grateful he cleared the table, you are upset because you expected him to do so much more.  Since he did less than what you expected, you are not only ungrateful for any of his efforts, but you are furious at how little he did when you expected so much.   One of the best bonuses is that your expectations will be put on God, Who is much better equipped to supply your list of needs than one mere husband is.  We need to set our husbands free from being the one totally responsible for filling our needs.  No one person can provide all the needs any one complex woman has! 

A contented woman is grateful for what she has.   I learned many years ago to expect NOTHING in order to become grateful for anything my husband does to contribute.  Instead of being angry and agitated that he came home at 11 p.m. because his plane was delayed, I was happy to see him and grateful he came home at all!  If you learn to expect nothing, you will become a more grateful person.  This is simplistic, and I know there are some situations where there are abuses that may need to be addressed, but all in all this is one of the principles that made my marriage and even my other relationships better.  Gratefulness is a beautiful attitude that you can decide to have.  I was as grateful in my little trailer when we first got married, fixing it up like a little dollhouse, as I am in my big castle home now.  A grateful person is a person everyone wants to be around because she appreciates everything.

A contented woman is “reasonable” and “realistic.”  We counsel many people who want to spend money on “extras” when the family budget can’t support the expenditures.  Make sure your desires, whether for time, money, or expenditures, are in keeping with reality and are reasonable in what is required. Don’t expect a quiet introverted guy to be the life of the party; don’t expect a sports fanatic to miss sports games; don’t expect a guy who has a physically demanding job to come home raring to go.  Not “reasonable” and not “realistic.”

Has he been loved enough?              Goal:  Loving Wife

A loving wife thinks the best of her husband.  She honors and respects her husband for who he IS; and doesn’t have an eye to find out or concentrate on who he ISN’T.  Have you loved your husband enough?   Do you appreciate the things he DOES for you, or are you always harping on the things he doesn’t do?  Nancy Reagan wrote: “In the climate of today, I think it would be good for all of us to focus on the positive, the true, the things that really last, on character, humor, commitment, and love, and on the happy memories of a wonderful man and his life.”

Think of someone in your life who love you the most:  they usually think the best of you.  You WANT to be around them!  Now think of someone who is very critical of you or you know they just don’t like you.  You try to avoid them at all costs!  Without even realizing it, if we are someone who delights in our husband and who thinks the best of them, they will WANT to be around us more!  If we are critical, they will avoid us!  Same works true with your children!

A loving wife is genuinely interested in what her husband is interested in. Nancy Reagan said, “I was, I suppose, a woman of the old school:  If you wanted to make your life with a man, you took on whatever his interests were and they became your interests too.”  Old school or not, the principle rings true.

Dana Reeve, an actress, was a great example.  She married a famous movie star, and was a movie star herself.  She was a constant companion of Christopher Reeves (superman). After her husband became a quadriplegic, Dana told Chris:  “I still love you no matter what.  You are still you,” and she became her chief supporter during his 9-1/2 year ordeal and his work for a cure for spinal cord injuries. After his death, she became the chairwoman of the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation, which funds research on paralysis.  She never returned to her own acting, having taken on what was important to her husband.

"I miss his companionship," said Reeve's widow, who wore his wedding band around her neck. "I would really like him here. It's very disorienting to be one person instead of the team we always were."

A loving wife makes a place for her husband to “come alive.”  Have you delighted in being a part of your husband’s goals and dreams?  Have you supported his ideas?  I love the song by Stephen Curtis Chapman, and the words have become a mission for me to my husband:

Cause what I really want to say

Is what the sun would say to the sky

For giving it a place to come alive

It's like a tale too great to be told

It's something that my heart can only show

I'm gonna take my whole life

Just to let you know

What I really want to say

Our Aim:                                                              Goal:  The UltiMATE Woman!

So what are you aiming for?  If your greatest dreams and goals are separated from your marriage, re-focus!  Work hard to be awesome:  Virtuous, Joyful, Wise, Encouraging, Contented and Loving.  Get LOST IN THE WORK of making your husband look GOOD and be the BEST he can be!

The end result will be what is said about the woman of virtue:  Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband praises her!  Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates!!!

In the book Fascinating Womanhood, which inspired a lot of this class and which we may be referring to later, Helen Andelin describes the Ideal Woman From a Man’s Point of View as possessing both Angelic and Human Qualities.

The Angelic inspires a feeling of worship.  It brings him peace and happiness.  The angelic qualities are:

Understands men

Inner Happiness

Character

Domestic Goddess

The human fascinates, amuses, captivates and enchants him.  It arouses a desire to protect and shelter.  The human qualities are:

Femininity

Radiant Happiness

Radiant Health

Childlikeness

‘The angelic and the human qualities combine to make a woman he can adore and cherish.”

            

Do Not Disturb...

When I travel, I always appreciate that the hotels give you a little sign to hang on your door that indicates "Do Not Disturb."  Many times housekeeping comes in just when you're trying to get ready to leave, are in the middle of handling telephone calls or doing work on the computer, or are trying to just brush your teeth without being interrupted.  Hanging that sign on the door guarantees you will be given adequate time to get your things together before someone comes in.

It is very important for spouses to respect each other's "Do Not Disturb" option.  There are times when it is simply too late to discuss something for one person, one spouse may have a mind over-load from work or stress or may be too upset to try to handle something at the moment.  ALLOW your spouse the "Do Not Disturb" option.  If you need a visual aid, make a sign and allow them to pull it out and take a breather on something you wanted to handle right away but the other person wasn't quite ready to.

I have seen one spouse hang the other up when they were trying to get to work.  The unwise spouse acts as if the other's "work is more important than our marriage!" when the spouse is trying to get to his job on time.  Do you really want to be a WEIGHT on someone's neck or the "wind beneath their wings"?!  

In the past two weeks I have talked with two separate couples in two separate states.  Both wives were being emotionally browbeaten by their husbands so continually that they both left their homes.  Neither wife wanted to leave.  Both wives loved their husbands.  They simply could not take it any more.  They are hoping and still begging for changes but their husbands are both unwilling.  The husbands have made it easier for their wives to live WITHOUT them than to live WITH them.  Instead of ADDING VALUE to the relationship, or even being a "ZERO" and not adding OR subtracting, both have made it a relief when they are not around.  That is beyond my understanding.

Give each other some space and time.  It is okay to ask "is tomorrow a better time to talk?"  Or "is this a good time to talk with you about this"?  Every thing does not have to be handled or talked about on one person's perfect timetable.  Respect each other's right to be heard and listen.  Allow the "Do Not Disturb" sign to enable your spouse the right to get rest, choose the right timing for them, and just do what they need to do without you interrupting them.  The payoff will be an appreciation of your gentle forbearance and willingness to work with two schedules rather than just imposing yours all the time.

CHALLENGE:  What are ways that you have violated the "Do Not Disturb" signs that your spouse has vocalized or needed?  What ways can you improve?  Take steps to consider the other person's timetable and watch the difference it makes in your relationship!

The Dangers of Getting to an Impasse

In labor relations, when two sides simply cannot reach an agreement and become deadlocked, it is called an "impasse".  An impasse is usually mutually harmful, simply for the resulting delays as well as the resulting attitudes on each side from having gotten to the place where the deadlock is evident.  An impasse indicates a situation where no progress can be made.

If couples do not learn to communicate and handle their problems effectively, the result is also an "impasse".  There is no obvious escape from the situation.  Neither side can see the other person's claims; rather than to move forward the couple becomes "stalemated".  In labor negotiations, a mediator must be called in to settle the impasse so both parties can move forward.

What do you do when a husband feels one way about something and the wife a different way?  You both feel so strongly you can't move forward until an agreement is reached...  Before you seek outside help of your pastor or a counselor, try using effective mediation principles between yourselves to see if you can effectively decide what to do first.

1.  Pray together.  Let the Lord direct you as to how HE wants you to end the impasse!  Are you really considering the other's needs more importantly than your own?  Are there things to consider that will negatively affect the future or your spouse or your family spiritually?

2.  Both sides need to seek to understand the other.  Each person has to be given the opportunity to ask a lot of questions.  Maybe the other person has a strong reason for why they feel the way they do.  Maybe something is so disturbing to them that they cannot imagine moving forward until the issue is solved.  Due discovery will help to uncover reasons why someone is not able to defer to the other person's point of view.  Make it a point to ask the other person a question, and then to answer it yourself.  Writing everything down often helps.

3.  Write down the "pros" and "cons" to each way of solving the problem.

4.  Consider an alternate plan other than the one each of you is pursuing.  By thinking outside the box, you can sometimes move forward.  For example, if one person is determined to borrow money for a vacation, and the other person refuses to go into debt for a vacation, maybe you can agree to pay off your loans and then take a vacation, or you can decide to take a smaller get-away while you owe money and after your loans are paid off take a bigger vacation.

5.   Communicate.  Many times impasses are really just a lack of communication.  Each person's underlying interests, emotional barriers to settlement, or blocks to understanding maybe just haven't been communicated.  Maybe timing issues need to be discussed.  Many times underlying emotions need to be addressed that are blockading progress in the decision.  For example, a person may feel that they are "always the one" to give in, and refuse to go forward even if it's something they don't really mind.  Sometimes negative emotions that have nothing to do with the issue at hand block progress and need to be brought to the surface and dealt with before you can move forward.

6.   Don't stop negotiating.  Many impasses occur because negotiations aren't carried through properly.  Each party has a position and they are not willing to move, but this may be that they are unwilling to move unless they see things in different perspective.  With stress blinders on, you can lose clear vision to see the bigger picture.  For example, when my husband's work wanted him to move out of state, he couldn't understand that if I moved away from my family and friends, he would be married to an entirely different person than he fell in love with.  My support team is critical to me in my life, and I define my life not as how much money I make or how beautiful the mountains are outside my window, but being in a closely knit family and walking together with them in all the little ups and downs of life and being a part of their every day experiences.  I know I could never substitute new friends and people I am not related to for my family and have the same meaning and definition of family life.  Realizing he couldn't have the things that our family's lives thrived on from a long distance, my husband realized he could not have the move AND the wife he adored, and he let go of the move.  He had to stop paying attention to "losing" in the decision enough to realize that the "no" to his current desire was really in his best interest long term.

7.    Reaching an agreement.  After reaching an agreement, write down the agreement and hold each other accountable to it.  If it is an agreement to stop spending money, take an accounting twice a week to hold each other accountable to it.  If it is an agreement to spend more time together, make the dates, put them on the calendar, and hold each other to keeping those dates.

If you can't make it through, it is important for you to seek help from your pastor or from a counselor.  An "impasse" means you are stopped from progressing and from moving forward, and that is a bad place for a relationship to be.  If you try to incorporate all the wisdom in moving forward and still can't reach a decision, a third party can often bring hidden things to light.  Sadly, many times the third party is only given partial or wrong information, so be sure that this is not the case.

And remember:  the most important thing is NOT a single decision, but your relationship, and how you feel about each other.  It is more important that your spouse knows you care about their best interests than if you get your own way all the time!