Saturday, September 26, 2009

A Way Out: You need to GIVE it AND to TAKE it!

Ever been caught in a crossfire between a couple? Where the words or attitudes start flying, and the statements being made go a little deeper each statement? The couples that have the most effective communication are couples that know how to make a way out of the cycle...

I've been around couples who are constantly looking to give the other that "way out" of an open disagreement. One person may say, "you know, you haven't emptied the garbage lately..." or ANY such statement relating to something they've "fallen short" of. Instead of reacting, the person says something like, "awww..... I need to empty the garbage more for you to show you I love you, don't I?!" -- and the argument swiftly ends!

I've also been around couples where one statement leads to another and there doesn't seem a graceful way for either to then enter back into the normal conversation.

One of the most IMPORTANT things you need to learn in your marriage is how to GIVE and TAKE a "way out" of provoking, accusative statements or cycles.

Think ahead of ways to GIVE a way out to your spouse: ways of throwing them a "lifeline" to grab hold of before they drown (mostly because we're the ones who pushed them out of the boat to begin with!) If the conversation is getting more accusative or threatening or finger-pointing at THEM, instead look to lighten it up and let them "keep face". Things like: "Well, you may not be too good at ________, but your intentions are the BEST....;" "Oh, you're so cute, if I can just LOOK at you who CARES if I have to do all the dishes myself!...;" "I know you'd help me more if I really asked you to...;" "Don't worry, I'm working on a few areas MYSELF that I need to get better at!" or something like that where your spouse can gracefully enter back into a normal conversation...

Think of ways to TAKE a "way back" if the accusations are being hurled against YOU! Grab a lifeline from statements like, "You know, I have been a little oblivious to his/her need in this area, I need to pay more attention!;..." "I know it's been difficult for him/her; I need to help out more...;" "I really need to work on being a better husband/wife!;..." ANYTHING to show your TRUE (hopefully) humility and acknowledge SOMETHING on where the hidden or outright accusatory statements lie.

Challenge: LISTEN to what your spouse is saying and acknowledge the accusatory remarks or diffuse them effectively; and LISTEN to the way YOU are speaking TO and ABOUT your spouse and give a generous amount of GRACE to let them now drown in the sea of accusations!

Read the Recipe for a Happy Marriage Poem below and see which ingredients you need to be sure to add more of in YOUR MARRIAGE to be sure it stays happy and healthy!

Recipe For A Happy Marriage Poem

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)

Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

1 comment:

Unknown said...


In marriage, happiness is the responsibility of both partners. There are married people who wait for the other person to be the source of their happiness. You must take charge and understand that, to make a happy union, you must first be happy. Your self esteem and confidence must be high.