Correction: Do you Embrace It or Despise It??

Every year my husband has had to go through a review at his job. The review (which consists of pages upon pages) contains input from many of his authorities AND peers on how he can do better. It is NOT a "pat on the back" and NOT to make him "feel good" but rather to show him areas where he needs to CHANGE. He could deny the things listed there saying "I don't do those things." "The results are great; don't question the process…" "That's the way I am!" BUT his reaction to correction determines his future with the company.

Same with sports figures. The call of the referee becomes part of their game. Whether "right" or "wrong" if the referee calls a foul, the player better lift his hands higher, and tweak his game to the point where it is acceptable to the referee. If the coach corrects the player for something, he better not deny what the coach sees or the referee sees: because his reaction to correction determines his future with the game.

I was teaching a class on parenting and we were looking at the area of correction and how our children are taught to respond to correction when it comes. It is obvious that many children feel that correction and discussion are synonyms. When many children are corrected, they become defensive rather than reflective; they feel threatened rather than challenged to change. Unfortunately, I believe this attitude comes from the way that parents receive correction from authorities or peers in their lives. Unfortunately as well, our children's reaction to correction determines their future success.

When a student takes a test, and gets some of the answers wrong, a wise student accepts the information gladly. Rather than defending their wrong answers or saying that the teacher is wrong, a wise student studies up and gets help understanding where they are falling short, so that they can improve their grade. Their reaction to correction determines their grade/success in the class and grasping the material.

Driving down the highway or even down the road, many a wise driver has checked their rear view mirror to determine if a car is driving in their blind spot. Because they check areas not readily seen, many accidents are averted. Their reaction to what is in their blind spots determines their success on the road.

If we are going to go from glory to glory (2 Cor 3.18) and the path of the just is as a shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day, then we need to embrace and accept correction. Even when coming from an antagonistic source, we need to look for any verity or truth in the observation and accept the correction and change. If we are "coming off" a certain way, we need to tweak our behavior, look at our heart, adjust our motives and change to get to the next level.

Do not become complacent by avoiding times with God where you ask HIM to examine your heart and motives to see where you need to change. Many times you may feel pretty good lining yourself up against your peers, but when you get in the presence of the Lord, you become like Isaiah crying out "woe is me for I am undone… I am a man of unclean lips, for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!" (Is 6.5)

“Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psa 139:23-24 AMP)

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.” (Heb 12:5-11 MESSAGE)

Proverbs 13:18 - Poverty and shame come to a person who ignores discipline, but whoever pays attention to constructive criticism will be honored.

Proverbs 15:32 He who refuses and ignores instruction and correction despises himself, but he who heeds reproof gets understanding.

Proverbs 3:11 My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: 12 For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

The fool brushes off correction, refusing to grow as a person or spiritually. The fool defends himself in the face of any one who has the courage or love enough to approach them with blindspots, or even against a hostile person who brings to the surface some blindspots they have in their lives. Refusing to go from glory to glory, they are content to stay the same…

That is not God's plan for you! He doesn't want you to feel condemned, but rather convicted, which leads to change and growth for you!

“For godly grief and the pain God is permitted to direct, produce a repentance that leads and contributes to salvation and deliverance from evil, and it never brings regret; but worldly grief (the hopeless sorrow that is characteristic of the pagan world) is deadly [breeding and ending in death].”

(2Cor 7:10 AMP)

Challenge: Are you going from glory to glory by receiving correction? Are you demonstrating to your children and to others that you are open to be corrected without being defensive? Be an example of LOVING correction and GROWING personally and spiritually CONSTANTLY! I challenge you to live out the Stephen Curtis Chapman song: BRING IT ON! Knowing it will make you better, stronger, and equip you more, BRING ON THE TEST so you can get stronger and stronger and see what is inside of you!

A Way Out: You need to GIVE it AND to TAKE it!

Ever been caught in a crossfire between a couple? Where the words or attitudes start flying, and the statements being made go a little deeper each statement? The couples that have the most effective communication are couples that know how to make a way out of the cycle...

I've been around couples who are constantly looking to give the other that "way out" of an open disagreement. One person may say, "you know, you haven't emptied the garbage lately..." or ANY such statement relating to something they've "fallen short" of. Instead of reacting, the person says something like, "awww..... I need to empty the garbage more for you to show you I love you, don't I?!" -- and the argument swiftly ends!

I've also been around couples where one statement leads to another and there doesn't seem a graceful way for either to then enter back into the normal conversation.

One of the most IMPORTANT things you need to learn in your marriage is how to GIVE and TAKE a "way out" of provoking, accusative statements or cycles.

Think ahead of ways to GIVE a way out to your spouse: ways of throwing them a "lifeline" to grab hold of before they drown (mostly because we're the ones who pushed them out of the boat to begin with!) If the conversation is getting more accusative or threatening or finger-pointing at THEM, instead look to lighten it up and let them "keep face". Things like: "Well, you may not be too good at ________, but your intentions are the BEST....;" "Oh, you're so cute, if I can just LOOK at you who CARES if I have to do all the dishes myself!...;" "I know you'd help me more if I really asked you to...;" "Don't worry, I'm working on a few areas MYSELF that I need to get better at!" or something like that where your spouse can gracefully enter back into a normal conversation...

Think of ways to TAKE a "way back" if the accusations are being hurled against YOU! Grab a lifeline from statements like, "You know, I have been a little oblivious to his/her need in this area, I need to pay more attention!;..." "I know it's been difficult for him/her; I need to help out more...;" "I really need to work on being a better husband/wife!;..." ANYTHING to show your TRUE (hopefully) humility and acknowledge SOMETHING on where the hidden or outright accusatory statements lie.

Challenge: LISTEN to what your spouse is saying and acknowledge the accusatory remarks or diffuse them effectively; and LISTEN to the way YOU are speaking TO and ABOUT your spouse and give a generous amount of GRACE to let them now drown in the sea of accusations!

Read the Recipe for a Happy Marriage Poem below and see which ingredients you need to be sure to add more of in YOUR MARRIAGE to be sure it stays happy and healthy!

Recipe For A Happy Marriage Poem

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)

Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

Beneath the Surface

Proverbs 20.5-7 A motive in the human heart is like deep water, and a person who has understanding draws it out. Many people declare themselves loyal, but who can find someone who is really trustworthy? A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. Blessed are his children after he is gone.

A man or woman of understanding will see the heart and motives and innermost thoughts of their spouses and "draw it out" in understanding them and trying to meet their needs. We need to be that someone who is "really trustworthy" -- not just who "declares themselves loyal" but is REALLY trustworthy to our spouses. They can TRUST us with their innermost feelings. We make time for them to discuss things with us, maybe even things we don't agree with, but we truly listen to hear their heart. A wise woman or man makes notes of things going on in their spouse's life and tries to help their spouse through difficult situations or times. This may mean hiding it in your heart and doing something about it later, or addressing the issues their spouse is trying to communicate.

See beneath the surface. Is your spouse truly irritated at every little thing in life all of a sudden, or is something "bigger" bothering them that they need to talk through and deal with? Do you notice that your spouse is isolating him/her-self all of a sudden and not interested in talking things through? Be that person who has understanding and draws their feelings out. Be creative in doing this, and show yourself to be trustworthy of them committing their thoughts to you. Give their thoughts consideration and credence, acknowledge how they feel, and then have wisdom on how to proceed.

When you see a tip of an iceberg in the water, you need to know that 90% of the iceberg is UNDER WATER. This is an important precept to remember in your marriage and in any relationship: if you see a "tip" of something surface, remember that there is a LOT going on underneath the surface!

Have and live integrity too. Keep your partner's secrets to yourself only. Never share negative things about your spouse to others who may not have the benefit of seeing all the good things they do, and may not have the grace to deal with the things they need to work on. Your spouse will know if you share negative things about them to your friends and family, and it will tend to isolate them, which is a serious problem for many couples. Have integrity behind closed doors. Be honest with others; be honest with yourselves. Be honest with your spouse. Be truthful, trustworthy, loyal, conscientious. Live an open and honest life... And your children will be blessed (fortunate, happy, to be envied). The opposite is true as well. When you do NOT live righteously (the RIGHT way) with integrity, your children will follow suit, and their lives will be cursed.

Challenge: Live BIG. Work hard at being a person of understanding who draws the heart of their spouse out and helps them be the best they can be ALWAYS. Take time for this most important part of your relationship! And live righteously with integrity, making a difference for generations to come...

Put your HEART into it!

"The heart makes commitments, the will makes choices, and behavior is where it all comes out. The heart work, or lack of it, is revealed in behavior, what you see every day… Sometimes what's going on in the heart is a mystery, but behavior is always on display."

So began the Bible study on parenting that I am teaching at our Church on Tuesday mornings, and from which this study is taken from. (Parenting is Heart Work – order book here if interested.)

I was thinking of how much (as usual) these "heart principles" relate to our marriages.

What do you see from your spouse's behavior that reveals where their heart is?

What do you see from you OWN behavior that reveals where YOUR heart is?

This is a challenging and paramount question since Proverbs tells us:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it ARE the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

How do you determine what is in YOUR heart (so you can change and go from "glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord – 1 Cor 3.18) or in the heart of your spouse (so you can see areas that your marriage needs to be worked on)?

Listen

Luke 6.45 tells us that from the abundance of our hearts our mouths speak. This means that if you simply listen to what is coming out of your mouth you will hear where your heart is. Sometimes this "showcase" of my heart (what I am saying!) makes me realize areas that I need to submit more to the Lord and deal with in my life to get rid of termites that can eat away at the best that God has for me (Song 2.15).

Listen and make mental notes of what your spouse is saying too, and although you don't need to point things out on the spot, look for creative ways to improve your relationship by addressing things on your spouse's heart that their words reveal.

The greatest enemy of listening is wanting to tell your own story. Be careful not to give your opinions too quickly, or others will shut down their hearts from receiving any input from you! An accepting, safe, listening ear often opens the heart in ways that nothing else can.

What do you treasure?

What are you or your spouse interested in? What do you think about – where do you spend money – what do you want to do? Matthew 6.21 tells us that where our treasure (deposit) is, there will our hearts be also. This is key. Desires, hopes, dreams, wishes… these all start in the heart and then come out in conversation.

We invest in the things that are in our hearts. We need to inspire our spouses, and be inspired OURSELVES by the Lord, to get a bigger vision for life and have the RIGHT things to set our hearts on! We need to be aware of things that aren't bad in themselves, but that we know don't contribute to our growth as a person, and we need to limit the time we spend on those things.

When you see something in your behavior or your spouse's behavior, ask "What's the HEART issue?" Then develop a strategy that addresses both the heart issue and the behavior.

The solution needs to acknowledge the behavior problem and work toward different actions. At the same time the deeper heart issues need to be challenged. By taking a two-pronged approach, you can bring about lasting change while learning appropriate behavior conducive to the desired outcome for your marriage!

We need to learn to look at our behavior and the things we say with discerning eyes, and see our hearts through the things we say and do. And we need to be CHALLENGED to consistently look for and apply ourselves to change our hearts so that we may more and more consistently grow into the best that the Lord has us to be in our marriages and in our lives!

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

(Psa 139:23-24 KJVS)

Challenge: What does our words and behavior show us about our hearts that needs to be tweaked, addressed, or completely overhauled? What does our spouse's words and behavior show us about where their hearts are – areas that we can be a part of positive change? Allow the Lord to infuse HIS love and HIS power into your heart and watch the difference reflected in our words and actions!

Lifting Each Other Up!

This Scripture stands out at me the past few days…

If we could take one thing from this study today, it would be to

truly SUBMIT to one another in our marriages.  It is an awesome picture if you see each person constantly trying to SUPPORT their spouse, for the good of their marriage and direction together, lifting the other person UP by coming under their authority, with both people submitting one to another…

 

WHY?  In the FEAR of God – terrified to do otherwise.  Why not:  as you REALLY understand the end result of disobeying God in this area, you WOULD be fearful! 

 

“Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”

(Eph 5:21-33 MESSAGE)

 

One thing that is interesting though is where it says to submit to one another out of "fear" of God. 

 

"Fear" is actually "phobos" –  "(to be put in fear); alarm or fright: — be afraid, + exceedingly, fear, terror."

 

Other places it is translated are:

 

         Matthew 28.4 And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men.

 

         Luke 21:26 Men’s hearts failing them for fear,

 

         Acts 5:5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.

 

         Romans 3:18 There is no fear of God before their eyes.

 

         2Corinthians 5:11 Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.

 

         2Corinthians 7:1   Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

 

         Philippians 2:12   Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

 

         1Peter 3:2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

 

         Jude 23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

 

The word "submit" means:  TO SUBDUE – overcome, quieten, or bring under control; bring under control by force; SUBMIT – accept or yield to the authority or control of another person

 

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Over the last 28 years, I am so glad that my husband and I have worked through different ways to make decisions and come to solutions together.  Every day presents myriads of things that need to be answered, addressed, and decided upon as couples.  Usually, and to keep things interesting, both of us rarely feel the exact same way about ANY thing.  

At first the issues are simple, or the decisions are "self-made" thus there isn't really a decision at all (for example, where do we go on vacation -- since we started out without any funds, the choice was made FOR us instead of BY us, or the options were so narrowed as to preclude opinions).

But other decisions are CONSTANTLY being decided:

what should we have for dinner?

where should we go for vacation?

how much should we spend on any given item?

where should we spend the holidays?

who should we hang with on the weekend?

what should we save for?

how much should we save vs. spend?

how much should our house cost?

where should we live?

where should our children go to school?

where should we go to church?

what movie should we watch?

should our children play with guns?

what is our limit for ratings on the shows we watch?

what is the curfew for our children?

and on and on and on... ... ...

Here are a few tips we've learned that have helped us in making decisions, both large AND small:

*Straight off, I knew my husband was the leader in my home and that any "deciding votes" went to him.  

*CONSIDER one another's opinions.  Let the other person say their opinion (without interrupting) and actually RE-STATE what they said BACK to them until they know you heard them right.  

*TRY to come to a decision where both parties agree.  We agreed in selecting furniture that there was enough choices to find something we could both live with rather than where one or the other weren't happy.

*LISTEN to the reasons the other person doesn't share your opinion.  Try to look at things from their eyes.  Often, when I would listen to Gary's concerns, I saw issues that could come up that I wouldn't have thought of.

*WORK TOGETHER until you KNOW that you KNOW that the other person is COMMITTED to your good and happiness.  Knowing the other person is not out to make you miserable or to destroy you is a FOUNDATION for trusting them in their decision-making processes.

*Make sure you consider what the other person is saying and MAKE IT IMPORTANT to you if it is important to them.  Try to bend over backwards trying to make the other person's goals happen, so that when there are good reasons NOT TO, it doesn't seem like you always need things done "your way".  

*Re-commit and re-commit and re-commit to the good of the "marriage" and not SIMPLY the "good of the individual" so that ALL decisions are made within that scope.

*Make sure that WHEN (not "if" but "when") mistakes are made in the final decision, that you don't throw it back at the person.  

*Understand when you have to make a decision that the other person is unhappy about then be sad with them, and when you can make decisions that make the other person glad, then be glad with them!

*Follow the simple commands the Lord gave us:  husbands LAY DOWN YOUR LIFE for your wives; and wives, RESPECT your husbands.

*Submit to each other.   Because you fear God.  (Eph 5.21)

Challenge:   Change your decision-making process until it is one where you BOTH benefit from the other's perspective.  Respect each other's perspective, and consider it when deciding issues.  Try to make decision making a STRENGTH in your relationship -- because there are SO SO MANY decisions to make!  

How Close Will You LET (ALLOW) Others to Be to You?

I'll never forget when my older brother Sam got married. I was about 12 years old at the time, and he married the (hot) girl from down the street (the one that all the guys liked to hang around while he was in Viet Nam!)
That started it, and as we added more and more people to the family, it was interesting and fun to see family get-togethers get bigger and bigger and bigger.

I was talking to Gabe today about some of the wonderful things my mom taught me when that started happening in our family: things that are happening NOW in MY family as MY kids are getting married one after another!

My Mom always said "open your circle and LET someone in"! She taught us the value of embracing the relationships that our siblings brought into the family. When you start to realize it, you live about 20-some years at your home and hopefully you'll live much more than that with your spouse and amongst the spouses your siblings choose.

So EMBRACE those relationships. I am SO GLAD we loved and accepted our "new" brothers and sisters into our hearts. Over the years, many times, they stepped in to play important roles when the siblings that we were raised with couldn't.

Even as parents, my husband and I have so appreciated the change to add our new sons and daughter to our family! We are SO EXCITED to have the change to be a Dad and Mom to Amber, Gabe, and Mike (and SOON Brandon!). Yes, yes, yes, we realize they weren't BORN to us, nor did we go through their elementary, junior high or high school years with them (well, with SOME of them we did – but NOT as their parents!), but when they married our children, they get US as parents from that point on. We take that role very seriously, and are excited to love them and provide for them as parents AS MUCH AS THEY LET US. We look forward to imparting wisdom we have, treating them as much as we can, and being there for them AS MUCH AS THEY LET US.

One thing about the Girgenti family that the Budzinski family has carried on is the extreme love, devotion and loyalty to our relationships. When my children came to me while dating with their problems, they would be SO MAD that I would "take the side" of Amber, Gabe, Michael, and Brandon. But I figured they already KNEW their "own" side, and I needed to "stick up for" their significant others, and help my children see their significant others' "sides"!

Even when my children go to each other, we all fiercely protect the one who is being complained about… We are about ONENESS and we fiercely protect the person not there! I have seen the total opposite in most families: I have seen families literally "gang up" on people that weren't born into the family, causing hard feelings, division and break-ups.

One friend of mine recently even told me about her husband's family having all their "natural born" kids go on a trip and left all the people they married behind because they weren't their "kids"!!!! That is CRAZY to me – I cannot understand how after over 20 years of marriage, parents still don't realize that the people their children married ARE their children as MUCH AS THEY LET THEMSELVES BE. My Mom has told me that because she LET the people her children married become as her own, they have brought so many blessings to her life in that capacity.

Challenge: OPEN your circle; OPEN your heart; and LET your children's and your sisters' and brothers' spouses IN – WATCH the LOVE grow and LIVE an AMAZING life of VICTORY and AMAZEMENT as you learn about the FAMILY of God from YOUR family!

Psalms 68:6 God places the solitary in families…

Proverbs 10:22 GOD’S blessing makes life rich;
nothing we do can improve on God.