Two Become One part 1

It is a mystery how when you are married, you become ONE with your spouse! I think as you grow together and really make it your business to know your spouse and love him/her despite differences, you actually begin to understand how they feel even before they tell you. So many times I will think something and Gary will do exactly what I was thinking!

Although the marriage is the event that makes you one, it really seems more like a process that needs to be worked out day after day. It become a choice. Here are a few ways to work on really becoming one:

*Care about what your spouse cares about.

*Feel your spouse's emotions with them. Even if your spouse holds things inside, try to understand what emotions he/she is feeling and feel those emotions with them.

*Try to anticipate your spouse's needs and meet them.

*Somehow touch base with each other during the day, even if just for a minute.

Challenge: How are you one day by day? Think of ways each day to show your oneness in a tangible way.

Feeling Safe With Someone

While driving through Italy, Gary and I had a lot of time to be together. Gary seemed bemused at my conversation, but was definitely more in tuned to driving than talking (not unusually). This being a rare occasion when we have so much time together, I said, "Gary TALK to me!" He asked, "About what?" I told him "About ANYTHING… what do you like, what don't you like, what are your dreams, what plans do you have for anything, who do you like, what problems at work are you experiencing, what is your favorite vacation, best memory, worst memory, most funniest thing that happened to you… ANYTHING! I just want to hear you!"

After thinking for a few seconds he said, "That is a LOT of stuff to talk about…" and …silence. After a short while of looking around and driving some more, I decided to contentedly and almost unilaterally carry on my conversation.

I was happy to talk about little things and observances, to note unusual things in our travels, noticing all sorts of details. Gary was happy to drive and look around a little in silence. I decided I would rather let Gary be content in who he is without trying to dig up something to talk about than try to pull conversation from him. After all, I would not be able to look around without noticing things, so why should I expect him to do something opposite his personality?!

I did manage to "test" his knowledge of foreign words, which was a further indication that he really wasn't too interested in little details!

Sometimes I feel that the best way to love someone is for them to feel SAFE with you. To know that whether they are in the mood to talk or not, that you love them and are okay with them and accept them just the way they are.

Sometimes it is the opposite situation: Gary will need to vent or I will need to vent over something. To be safe with someone is to know that they know your heart and believe the best in you. You can pour your heart out, and, if needed, restate things that need to be restated because they came out wrong the first time, or they were misinterpreted.

The worst thing to do in a disagreement, or when trying to reach a conclusion, or in a misunderstanding, is to "defend" yourself. When a team is on the defense in sports, they are determined not to let the opposition break through. When you are on the defense in a conversation, the person talking to you will never feel any opportunity to break through either! It's a funny play on words too: if you're on "de-fense" there IS a fence up that will continue to divide!

You can not make someone feel that to discuss their feelings with you will end up in a debate: they will be aware that your motive is not to understand them but to undermine them, and they will often give up and walk away. Love is easy to approach, believing and hoping the best of the other person.

I love this poem about Friendship:

Oh, the comfort –

The inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person,

Having neither to weigh thoughts,

Nor measure words – but pouring them

All right out – just as they are –

Chaff and grain together –

Certain that a faithful hand will Take and sift them –

Keep what is worth keeping –

And with the breath of kindness

Blow the rest away.

Challenge: Does your spouse feel safe with you. Do they feel accepted just as they are or do you have them "jumping through hoops" to be what you want them to be? Do you allow someone to express themselves to you until you understand their viewpoint, or do you go on "de-fense" and partition yourself from them? Do you seek to understand rather than undermine? Do you allow your spouse to rephrase things that you may have interpreted differently than what they were trying to say, or that they just simply need to restate? Make your spouse feel SAFE and enjoy the "inexpressible comfort" defined in the poem above!

Crashworthiness: Tried, Tested and Sure

 [krash-wur-thee-nis] capable of withstanding the effects of a crash; the ability of a car or other vehicle to withstand a collision or crash with minimal bodily injury to its occupants.

Being married to a NASCAR fan, I understand that the most successful race cars are those that are built with the CRASH in mind: and are built to withstand the ultimate crash. Things are set in place: special bars, airbags, anti-fire, special provisions for roll-overs, special driving gear and clothing, that will help the car crash and yet still have the driver survive.

Our marriages and families need to withstand storms and threats and "crashes" like never before. How "crashworthy" is YOUR marriage, and YOUR family? What have you done to PREPARE yourselves for the threats and crashes?

Our last family vacation had the normal, fun-loving, "floating down the lazy river" type moments: we played golf, tennis, and did extreme workouts together. We held daily challenging Bible studies led by each couple, and finished each night with dinner prepared and served by each couple. We played cards, talked, shopped, shared laughter, even visited the "what dreams are made of" Magic Kingdom...

But this family vacation, with all our newlyweds, one soon-to-be-married and one dating couple, had one different, interesting, and SEEMINGLY horrible difference: there was a multiple day THREAT to our unity that showed itself in the form of some ugly interactions and attitudes. TRIED... we made the most of every opportunity, trying to avert the problems, but God had a different idea through the TESTING...

This vacation became the BEST VACATION EVER because it demonstrated our family's "crashworthiness".

"Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was FOUNDED UPON A ROCK. And every one that hearth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." (Matthew 7.24-27)

SURE... we made some "rules of the ring" in the form of action items (see below) on ways to handle conflict resolution. We realized:

*Unity and a solidly closely-knit family like ours, so intimately involved in each others' lives, is worth fighting for and can NOT be taken for granted!

*We are POWERFUL together and ALL things good are only good when TESTED and SURE.

*We realize more than ever the things that could threaten our bond, and have joined together to take action against those things and not allow them in our lives.

Here is our study to encourage others:

Fighting for Our Family

1. Our Destiny is our Greatest Challenge

2. No One is Right – We must fight for Peace

We have “A culture of Quitters”

2 Tim 3:1-5

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of

themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents,

ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal,

not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers

of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power.

3. Regard Others as More Important than Ourselves

MT 20:28

Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a

ransom for many.”

4. Guard Against Bitterness & Grudges

Eph 4:3

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together

with peace.

Matthew 5:23-24

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother

has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be

reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Col 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

MT 6:14

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive

you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Jesus – Last 30 hours

• Arrested

• Taken before court – for crimes he didn’t commit

• Betrayed by his friends

• Beaten beyond recognition

• Carried a cross to the place of his death

• Slammed spikes into his hands

Yet he said…

“Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing…”

1. Who do you need to forgive?

2. Whom do you need to ask forgiveness from?

5. Love Deeply

1Peter 4:8

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

PS 103:12

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Action Items ("Rules of the Ring")

• Address the “bricks” of offense before they turn into a wall

• Go directly to the offender and don’t gossip

• Stick to the issue at hand

• Seek first to understand before you are understood. Even a fool is thought to be

wise if he keeps his mouth shut. (Proverbs) – Guard our reactions to offense

• Love Deeply, Forgive and Forget

• Stick to the issue at hand (Don’t attack the Character attack the issue)

• Avoid “always and never”

• Leave the other person ‘a way back in’

• Be able to say what the person said back to them

• Don’t leave the issue resolution

**127,672 interactions within the Budzinski family***

Challenge: Make "rules of the ring" or "action items" to take during times of testing and disagreement. Make sure your marriage and family is "crashworthy". Be sure the threats, challenges and problems will come: make SURE your marriage and family are "capable of withstanding the effects"!

Correction: Do you Embrace It or Despise It??

Every year my husband has had to go through a review at his job. The review (which consists of pages upon pages) contains input from many of his authorities AND peers on how he can do better. It is NOT a "pat on the back" and NOT to make him "feel good" but rather to show him areas where he needs to CHANGE. He could deny the things listed there saying "I don't do those things." "The results are great; don't question the process…" "That's the way I am!" BUT his reaction to correction determines his future with the company.

Same with sports figures. The call of the referee becomes part of their game. Whether "right" or "wrong" if the referee calls a foul, the player better lift his hands higher, and tweak his game to the point where it is acceptable to the referee. If the coach corrects the player for something, he better not deny what the coach sees or the referee sees: because his reaction to correction determines his future with the game.

I was teaching a class on parenting and we were looking at the area of correction and how our children are taught to respond to correction when it comes. It is obvious that many children feel that correction and discussion are synonyms. When many children are corrected, they become defensive rather than reflective; they feel threatened rather than challenged to change. Unfortunately, I believe this attitude comes from the way that parents receive correction from authorities or peers in their lives. Unfortunately as well, our children's reaction to correction determines their future success.

When a student takes a test, and gets some of the answers wrong, a wise student accepts the information gladly. Rather than defending their wrong answers or saying that the teacher is wrong, a wise student studies up and gets help understanding where they are falling short, so that they can improve their grade. Their reaction to correction determines their grade/success in the class and grasping the material.

Driving down the highway or even down the road, many a wise driver has checked their rear view mirror to determine if a car is driving in their blind spot. Because they check areas not readily seen, many accidents are averted. Their reaction to what is in their blind spots determines their success on the road.

If we are going to go from glory to glory (2 Cor 3.18) and the path of the just is as a shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day, then we need to embrace and accept correction. Even when coming from an antagonistic source, we need to look for any verity or truth in the observation and accept the correction and change. If we are "coming off" a certain way, we need to tweak our behavior, look at our heart, adjust our motives and change to get to the next level.

Do not become complacent by avoiding times with God where you ask HIM to examine your heart and motives to see where you need to change. Many times you may feel pretty good lining yourself up against your peers, but when you get in the presence of the Lord, you become like Isaiah crying out "woe is me for I am undone… I am a man of unclean lips, for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!" (Is 6.5)

“Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psa 139:23-24 AMP)

My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.” (Heb 12:5-11 MESSAGE)

Proverbs 13:18 - Poverty and shame come to a person who ignores discipline, but whoever pays attention to constructive criticism will be honored.

Proverbs 15:32 He who refuses and ignores instruction and correction despises himself, but he who heeds reproof gets understanding.

Proverbs 3:11 My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: 12 For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

The fool brushes off correction, refusing to grow as a person or spiritually. The fool defends himself in the face of any one who has the courage or love enough to approach them with blindspots, or even against a hostile person who brings to the surface some blindspots they have in their lives. Refusing to go from glory to glory, they are content to stay the same…

That is not God's plan for you! He doesn't want you to feel condemned, but rather convicted, which leads to change and growth for you!

“For godly grief and the pain God is permitted to direct, produce a repentance that leads and contributes to salvation and deliverance from evil, and it never brings regret; but worldly grief (the hopeless sorrow that is characteristic of the pagan world) is deadly [breeding and ending in death].”

(2Cor 7:10 AMP)

Challenge: Are you going from glory to glory by receiving correction? Are you demonstrating to your children and to others that you are open to be corrected without being defensive? Be an example of LOVING correction and GROWING personally and spiritually CONSTANTLY! I challenge you to live out the Stephen Curtis Chapman song: BRING IT ON! Knowing it will make you better, stronger, and equip you more, BRING ON THE TEST so you can get stronger and stronger and see what is inside of you!

A Way Out: You need to GIVE it AND to TAKE it!

Ever been caught in a crossfire between a couple? Where the words or attitudes start flying, and the statements being made go a little deeper each statement? The couples that have the most effective communication are couples that know how to make a way out of the cycle...

I've been around couples who are constantly looking to give the other that "way out" of an open disagreement. One person may say, "you know, you haven't emptied the garbage lately..." or ANY such statement relating to something they've "fallen short" of. Instead of reacting, the person says something like, "awww..... I need to empty the garbage more for you to show you I love you, don't I?!" -- and the argument swiftly ends!

I've also been around couples where one statement leads to another and there doesn't seem a graceful way for either to then enter back into the normal conversation.

One of the most IMPORTANT things you need to learn in your marriage is how to GIVE and TAKE a "way out" of provoking, accusative statements or cycles.

Think ahead of ways to GIVE a way out to your spouse: ways of throwing them a "lifeline" to grab hold of before they drown (mostly because we're the ones who pushed them out of the boat to begin with!) If the conversation is getting more accusative or threatening or finger-pointing at THEM, instead look to lighten it up and let them "keep face". Things like: "Well, you may not be too good at ________, but your intentions are the BEST....;" "Oh, you're so cute, if I can just LOOK at you who CARES if I have to do all the dishes myself!...;" "I know you'd help me more if I really asked you to...;" "Don't worry, I'm working on a few areas MYSELF that I need to get better at!" or something like that where your spouse can gracefully enter back into a normal conversation...

Think of ways to TAKE a "way back" if the accusations are being hurled against YOU! Grab a lifeline from statements like, "You know, I have been a little oblivious to his/her need in this area, I need to pay more attention!;..." "I know it's been difficult for him/her; I need to help out more...;" "I really need to work on being a better husband/wife!;..." ANYTHING to show your TRUE (hopefully) humility and acknowledge SOMETHING on where the hidden or outright accusatory statements lie.

Challenge: LISTEN to what your spouse is saying and acknowledge the accusatory remarks or diffuse them effectively; and LISTEN to the way YOU are speaking TO and ABOUT your spouse and give a generous amount of GRACE to let them now drown in the sea of accusations!

Read the Recipe for a Happy Marriage Poem below and see which ingredients you need to be sure to add more of in YOUR MARRIAGE to be sure it stays happy and healthy!

Recipe For A Happy Marriage Poem

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)

Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

Beneath the Surface

Proverbs 20.5-7 A motive in the human heart is like deep water, and a person who has understanding draws it out. Many people declare themselves loyal, but who can find someone who is really trustworthy? A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity. Blessed are his children after he is gone.

A man or woman of understanding will see the heart and motives and innermost thoughts of their spouses and "draw it out" in understanding them and trying to meet their needs. We need to be that someone who is "really trustworthy" -- not just who "declares themselves loyal" but is REALLY trustworthy to our spouses. They can TRUST us with their innermost feelings. We make time for them to discuss things with us, maybe even things we don't agree with, but we truly listen to hear their heart. A wise woman or man makes notes of things going on in their spouse's life and tries to help their spouse through difficult situations or times. This may mean hiding it in your heart and doing something about it later, or addressing the issues their spouse is trying to communicate.

See beneath the surface. Is your spouse truly irritated at every little thing in life all of a sudden, or is something "bigger" bothering them that they need to talk through and deal with? Do you notice that your spouse is isolating him/her-self all of a sudden and not interested in talking things through? Be that person who has understanding and draws their feelings out. Be creative in doing this, and show yourself to be trustworthy of them committing their thoughts to you. Give their thoughts consideration and credence, acknowledge how they feel, and then have wisdom on how to proceed.

When you see a tip of an iceberg in the water, you need to know that 90% of the iceberg is UNDER WATER. This is an important precept to remember in your marriage and in any relationship: if you see a "tip" of something surface, remember that there is a LOT going on underneath the surface!

Have and live integrity too. Keep your partner's secrets to yourself only. Never share negative things about your spouse to others who may not have the benefit of seeing all the good things they do, and may not have the grace to deal with the things they need to work on. Your spouse will know if you share negative things about them to your friends and family, and it will tend to isolate them, which is a serious problem for many couples. Have integrity behind closed doors. Be honest with others; be honest with yourselves. Be honest with your spouse. Be truthful, trustworthy, loyal, conscientious. Live an open and honest life... And your children will be blessed (fortunate, happy, to be envied). The opposite is true as well. When you do NOT live righteously (the RIGHT way) with integrity, your children will follow suit, and their lives will be cursed.

Challenge: Live BIG. Work hard at being a person of understanding who draws the heart of their spouse out and helps them be the best they can be ALWAYS. Take time for this most important part of your relationship! And live righteously with integrity, making a difference for generations to come...

Put your HEART into it!

"The heart makes commitments, the will makes choices, and behavior is where it all comes out. The heart work, or lack of it, is revealed in behavior, what you see every day… Sometimes what's going on in the heart is a mystery, but behavior is always on display."

So began the Bible study on parenting that I am teaching at our Church on Tuesday mornings, and from which this study is taken from. (Parenting is Heart Work – order book here if interested.)

I was thinking of how much (as usual) these "heart principles" relate to our marriages.

What do you see from your spouse's behavior that reveals where their heart is?

What do you see from you OWN behavior that reveals where YOUR heart is?

This is a challenging and paramount question since Proverbs tells us:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it ARE the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

How do you determine what is in YOUR heart (so you can change and go from "glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord – 1 Cor 3.18) or in the heart of your spouse (so you can see areas that your marriage needs to be worked on)?

Listen

Luke 6.45 tells us that from the abundance of our hearts our mouths speak. This means that if you simply listen to what is coming out of your mouth you will hear where your heart is. Sometimes this "showcase" of my heart (what I am saying!) makes me realize areas that I need to submit more to the Lord and deal with in my life to get rid of termites that can eat away at the best that God has for me (Song 2.15).

Listen and make mental notes of what your spouse is saying too, and although you don't need to point things out on the spot, look for creative ways to improve your relationship by addressing things on your spouse's heart that their words reveal.

The greatest enemy of listening is wanting to tell your own story. Be careful not to give your opinions too quickly, or others will shut down their hearts from receiving any input from you! An accepting, safe, listening ear often opens the heart in ways that nothing else can.

What do you treasure?

What are you or your spouse interested in? What do you think about – where do you spend money – what do you want to do? Matthew 6.21 tells us that where our treasure (deposit) is, there will our hearts be also. This is key. Desires, hopes, dreams, wishes… these all start in the heart and then come out in conversation.

We invest in the things that are in our hearts. We need to inspire our spouses, and be inspired OURSELVES by the Lord, to get a bigger vision for life and have the RIGHT things to set our hearts on! We need to be aware of things that aren't bad in themselves, but that we know don't contribute to our growth as a person, and we need to limit the time we spend on those things.

When you see something in your behavior or your spouse's behavior, ask "What's the HEART issue?" Then develop a strategy that addresses both the heart issue and the behavior.

The solution needs to acknowledge the behavior problem and work toward different actions. At the same time the deeper heart issues need to be challenged. By taking a two-pronged approach, you can bring about lasting change while learning appropriate behavior conducive to the desired outcome for your marriage!

We need to learn to look at our behavior and the things we say with discerning eyes, and see our hearts through the things we say and do. And we need to be CHALLENGED to consistently look for and apply ourselves to change our hearts so that we may more and more consistently grow into the best that the Lord has us to be in our marriages and in our lives!

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

(Psa 139:23-24 KJVS)

Challenge: What does our words and behavior show us about our hearts that needs to be tweaked, addressed, or completely overhauled? What does our spouse's words and behavior show us about where their hearts are – areas that we can be a part of positive change? Allow the Lord to infuse HIS love and HIS power into your heart and watch the difference reflected in our words and actions!